got stoned, ate a burger with fries and a coke, watched great satisfying tv with appropriate amounts of interestingness and humor, now i'm going to smoke a great satisfying cigarette with appropriate amounts of turkish tobaccos out on the porch, which offers a perfect view of the west and northwest parts of the sky, where a sun happens to be setting, flanked by fast moving and retreating storm clouds that, just minutes before, had been directly overhead, filling the world with water. thanks universe.

edited to add: that was incredible. but sad because that picture was worth more than a thousand words -- probably around 40,000 -- and there is just too much for me to explain! but the bottom line is: you have to be here now to have appreciated it, and i'm the only one in the world who is right here right now. see what i mean about too many words? i am lonely and need a friend now. i am sad.

i am just so angry and bitter and frustrated and exasperated and lonely and alone it hurts.

what did i do today? well, i woke up and chose to miss class, rather than show up late. started smoking weed before noon, ate a lot of crap, sipped a little vodka with juice, smoked a few cigarettes, jerked it while listening to WE SOLD OUR SOUL FOR ROCK 'N' ROLL, came during "sabbath bloody sabbath," now i'm going to smoke some more, drink some more, eat some more.

then sleep and repeat.

yeah, i should sleep. but i can't. happens a lot.

i live on the second floor and there are no blinds on the big windows in the dining area/kitchen so anybody who wants to watch me in my kitchen has a GREAT view. i mention this because if there is somebody watching me, i bet they're thinking to themselves about now, why is this woman standing in her kitchen all the time, she looks this way and that way, she turns the light off, walks away, comes back, turns it on, stares, what is she doing? 

i don't know what i'm doing! maybe it's a nervous tic(k -- an anxious bug?), you know. like a dog gets when its owner's away, but on their way back (what humans can hear from one mile, a dog can hear from four, also their noses are THOUSANDS of times more sensitive than ours, IMAGINE!), and they start acting all funny, running to the door, to the window, to the door, to the window, waiting waitwaitwait and you're like what are you doing you crazy dog! and then you hear the car pull into the driveway and you know what i'm talking about? i'm that dog! back and forth, staring, whining, waiting.

what am i waiting for!

Googlism for: jane

jane is boring?
jane is her name
jane is no crime
jane is a stupid communistic traitor bitch
jane is moving
jane is boring"
jane is a veteran
jane is betty page

jane is over rated
jane is a screaming girl

jane is attempting to walk across the street
jane is the times cook of the week
jane is back
jane is an independent missionary
jane is scooting her hosting

jane is too ill to move
jane is coming back
jane is a sweet girl
jane is better than natalie
jane is fun
jane is a heart breaker
jane is licked by every end porno inside

jane is not
jane is boring"
jane is one hot model
jane is 101

jane is black and she loves to ride the sybian whenever her husband
jane is no longer being produced
jane is strong
jane is doing a sponsored cycle in iceland in support of the "national eczema society" 

jane is performing on norwegian cruise line's ship norwegian sun
jane is treated like a servant by the guests

jane is just jealous

jane is licked by every end
jane is able to finally return to rochester as an independent woman
jane is offering arts in education programs in the schools on installation art and papermaking

jane is a compelling
jane is a superhero that can use her special strength
jane is
jane is portrayed as a survivor
jane is an image
jane is blessed with a large vocal range
jane is big with death

jane is an orphan who is at first raised by her aunt
jane is licked by every end doing some ass pounding young amateur lesbian teens asian model spreads pussy
jane is indomitable;
jane is a
jane is also a member of the following professional associations
jane is not just a novelist

jane is one of a large family comprising seven girls and five boys of which she is the eldest
jane is sent to gateshead to live with her father's sister
jane is developing practical life skills
jane is a must for your next poetry reading or gay event

jane is listed in the census as living by herself

jane is the girl next door
jane is admittedly effective at doing most of what it attempts
jane is no longer a "pale little elf" but a "little sunny

jane is dismayed to find that she is falling for a man so bent on starting another
jane is my name
jane is a delight both to work with and to learn from
jane is as a baby in her mother's arms
jane is in a high risk group
jane is 17 years old and has down syndrome

jane is the title character of the iron dragon's daughter
jane is finally freed from persecution and enjoys more humane
jane is up to
jane is a lesbian

jane is skilled with a horse and handles a gun like a master gunslinger
jane is robin to daria's batman
jane is better than natalie
jane is her name
jane is boring?
jane is in the garden
jane is fun

jane is woman
jane is boring"

jane is naughty again
jane is talking to you

jane is no ‘couch’ potato
jane is gone
jane is strong
jane is black and has super
jane is spending $12m to find out why
jane is a hot mama
jane is no crime
jane is such a sweet thing
jane is here
jane is not the only one who likes dick

jane is it really that bad?
jane is still jane
jane is not
jane is in the hospital

jane is a sweet girl
jane is a longlegged goodlooking brunette

jane is boring? jane is her name jane is moving jane is licked by every
jane is a horrifying character who seethes with the rage of a spoiled child baby jane is mediocre through baby jane is arrested baby jane is amusing baby
jane is boring"

jane is a compelling

jane is a superhero that can use her special strength
jane is just jealous
jane is the token estrogen in the band
jane is indomitable;
jane is already an outsider in middle class society

jane is
jane is also a member of the following professional associations
jane is a college graduate
jane is blessed with a large vocal range

jane is trying to find her dream man
jane is a series of three 20

jane is an image

jane is feeling 'burning and fiery'
jane is a great supervisor
jane is in a high risk group

jane is admittedly effective at doing most of what it attempts

jane is not visiting
jane is developing practical life skills
jane is a model

jane is representing more and

jane is whisked away to neverland by captain hook and his pirates
jane is the girl next door
jane is the emotionally charged and ultimately uplifting story of an extraordinary woman coming to terms with her imminent death

Bless us, O Lord, for these Thy drugs, which we are about to receive from Thy waterless gravity bong. Through Christ our Lord we pray. Amen.

i think that's hilarious. well, maybe not hilarious. clever. i just find enjoyment in it. imagine! enjoyment in things! pleasure is the spice of life. taking advantage of these wonderful senses we have -- incredible! if i were a believer i'd thank god. but thank god i'm not! i hate god. what i love is the universe, and everything in it. we're a crazy combination of stardust and excited molecules, oh my it's too much for my head right now!

some things i'm excited about: new adult swim tonight, the weed i'm about to smoke, raindrops, talking on the phone with my friend/one of the greatest people i've ever met (P.S. MAKE IT A HABIT, JIMMY JAMZ.), clean towels, pumpkin pie spice coffee creamer, nag champa incense, scarves.

color.

b&w.

there are many things in this world that i appreciate, love, and adore -- towards the top of this ever-expanding list is a little thing i like to call SEXUALLY EXPLICIT IMAGERY. here are a few black and white photos that i like and didn't want to spend the time individually adding to my tumblr (which i still cherish and post to). so here they are. i will be following with a post of sexy color images next.

CRAIG, I WISH YOU WERE HERE. I AM STONED AND WATCHING THIS. IMAGINE!

question: will drinking alcohol and smoking weed make my headache go away?

answer: i don't know, let's try it out!

edited to add: YEP, DID THE TRICK.

r.i.p.

i'm sad that paul newman died.
i'm sick of people dying. (that is, people i don't know but i like anyways.)

here are some of my favorite photos of a young paul newman which i am posting here for the world's enjoyment, but mostly mine. also i may jerk off to them later -- just to say my goodbyes and to properly pay my respects, of course. i suggest you do the same.

here is a brooding and rebellious, devil-may-care paul newman:

here is a shirtless paul newman:


and, finally, this one is my favorite BECAUSE YOU CAN SEE HIS DICK:

things i hate about virginia beach, part 53: JET NOISE SO LOUD IT SETS OFF CAR ALARMS.

craig,

i really want you to go to this.

i love how chaotic things get when it gets windy.

when air rushes my face, sometimes i panic. i can't breathe, and i think jeez, you'd think with all this air in my face i'd be able to breathe but i can't. until i remember i can, i can breathe. then i do and the panic subsides but i can still feel the burn of adrenaline in my veins, pumping and dissipating into my body until it reaches my bones and then, like that, i relax. my veins twitch back into normal motion and my heart flutters back into standard thump thump pace.

i hope cheers is on.

Richard Swift - Lovely Night
by lablogotheque

i wish making friends was as easy as it used to be. 

"hey, we're close in age and live in the same neighborhood. let's be friends."

"hey, we're in the same class. let's be friends."

"hey, we both started our periods. let's be friends."

"hey, we're both louder and funnier than anyone. let's be friends." 

"hey, we're both sad. let's be friends."

"hey, we're both outcasts. let's be friends."

"hey, we're both smart, let's be friends."

"hey, we both hate everyone, let's be friends."

"hey, we both know the same people, let's be friends."

-- how every major friend/group-of-friends i've had has started, in order of past to present. LITERALLY. literally. 

it's not as easy at it used to be. once you start running out of options -- i.e., the people you "know" move or leave and stop talking to you, and once they start leaving, there are less new people to become friends with, because the pool has thinned. you stop being introduced to new people because you know less people, you see? and it snowballs. (notice i chose a literary metaphor over a statistical reference to a positive direct correlation! what does that say about me, eh? EH? a lot, i bet.)

anyways. i hope you understand what i mean. as you grow up, your standards for choosing new friends becomes more complicated. you are now concerned with manners, social norms, with what's expected of you, as an adult. it's complicated and tiring and i hate it. i make social mistakes because everyone else is growing up around me. it's like i'm missing some small piece of machinery, some small tool or cheat sheet the teacher handed out the day i was absent, something that helps my brain become adopt the idea that once you grow up, everyone gets colder. there are rules, boundaries, limits. things you're supposed to say (how are you? fine, thanks. great to see you. hey, call me sometime, we'll hang out. sure will!) and things you're not (i feel like we should be friends. i think you're beautiful. i want to be around you because it makes me feel less like my life is shit and the world is doomed. i dreamt about fucking you.).

this confusion is what causes me to act like a child (and i mean that less in a condescending way, and more in an enviable way) and slip up and say what i mean. i speak so honestly and my intentions are so pure and your brains are too out of touch to correctly interpret me! thus, my actions become inappropriate, something to laugh at, like i'm inhuman! i'm more human than you!

oh everything is too much. i need to live somewhere clean, pure, free. i need something else.

i love tv.

if there is someone i need to get fucked by, it's chuck bass.

see also some personal, i'm guessing, photos of ed westwick, the actor who plays chuck bass, that are for some reason available for viewing on the internet, which i may or may not refer back to when i am rubbing one out later:

my first class let out half an hour early so instead of waiting for my next class to start, i decided to come home, get stoned, eat a delicious breakfast sandwich from wawa (scrambled eggs, bacon, ciabatta bread), and watch gossip girl on my laptop.

fyi.

damn, my tits are GREAT.

instead of taking the time to put this eloquently, i'm just going to speak it plainly, just so i have it here, just for the record. maybe the metaphors will come later.

this is how i feel, right now: lonely. lonely, lonely, lonely.

que so what, so what.

i need to watch every episode of cheers, ever.

i'm not the same person i used to be, and this is a very exciting prospect.

i swear to god i just heard "INCEST HAPPENS" on the television.

some of my favorite things to feel: orgasm (and other, more specific exquisite parts of sex that i won't get into here, contact me for further details and dirty talk), a healing wound, burt's bees chapstick ten seconds after i put it on, warm clothes straight out of the drier, a hard dick through a pair of jeans, smoke in my lungs, the drained and exhausted feeling i get after a really hard cry (or a really hard fuck, natch), a really hot and deep bath (or a really hot and deep fuck, natch), warmth of a wood-burning fire, a soft scarf, a swift spank, the way the air changes as you get closer to the beach, etc. ...

alright, world, you win. asshole.

ok, i think and therefore type a lot about pot, i know this. and i'm sure i'll stop. writing about it, that is -- not smoking it.

anyways -- THE thing about pot is that it amplifies/magnifies/multiplies (pick your verb it's all the same) EVERYTHING your mind receives. and by EVERYTHING i mean not ONLY the data being received by your sensory organs, but ALSO any thought or emotion you have. and it's never ALL at once -- just one or two at a time.

oh my god i've gotta stop.

bye.

when life gives you lemons, SMOKE THEM.

i like it when smoke hangs like string in the air.

i also like it when onnnneeeeeeee little bong hit is all it takes.

Ask me for anything else by Marge Piercy

Patience is dun-colored,
the mousy, the confusing
fall warbler that east the worms,
the nourishment of beans and whole wheat,
the slow rain the crops
need that grows mold
on the mind.

Watson has patience and muddy
boots, not Holmes with his
cocaine needle. old dogs
snore their patience.
Cats pace. Big cats
cut patience from the herd
and run it down panting
for hot breakfast.

Patience is a game you play
in a damp chilly cabin
while the river roars
and the path is too soggy
to hike out. Patience
is a tick waiting on a grass
blade for you or your dog.
Patience is the joy
of oysters.

Try me for energy, passion,
hard work, loyalty, hope,
but patience is the spider's
virtue, and I am
the glinting biting fly.

Patience is the library
angel, balancing water
in the air between cups.
I am the fiery one
leaping and gone.
How shall I wait
for you? I wring my hair
dry and the pebbles
of the minutes hit me
in the face. My hands
scrape the air.
I am empty with wanting,
not like a box
but like a tiger's belly.

i need someone to come see the magnolia electric co. with me.

MAGNOLIA ELECTRIC CO. fall 2008 american tour dates
10/21 - Bloomington, IN - Buskirk Chumley
10/22 - Louisville, KY - Headliners
10/23 - Asheville, NC - Grey Eagle
10/24 - Athens, GA - 40 Watt Club
10/25 - Birmingham, AL - The Bottle Tree
10/26 - Memphis, TN - Hi Tone
10/27 - Denton, TX - Rubber Gloves
10/28 - Houston, TX - Walter’s On Washington
10/29 - TBA
10/30 - Austin, TX - Mohawk
10/31 - Norman, OK - The Opolis
11/01 - Lawrence, KS - Jackpot
11/02 - St. Louis, MO - The Bluebird
11/03 - Chicago, IL - Abbey Pub

i really, really mean it.

if there's anything i love, it's watching what the local television station has on during other channels' PRIME-TIME WEEKNIGHT TIME SLOTS (n.b., i also love how some two-word phrases, i like to call them 'two-fers' or 'phraselets' get hyphens or spaces and others don't): classic american situational comedies (we in the biz like to call 'em sitcoms) of the 70's, 80's, and 90's. now it's frasier but earlier i watched an incredible episode of cheers, which i am hereby inscribing upon the Holy blog so that it may be remembered for All of Eternity, in the name of the Father, the Son, and Chevy Chase.. Amen.

here it is, in three parts, an episode curiously called "Boys in the Bar":

A COUPLE THINGS:

1. cheers is some heavy-hitting shit, man. so socially aware and cutting-edge!

2. shelley long is incredible. so smart, so witty, so kind. SMART AS A WHIP!

3. what's up ted dansen?

or maybe what i love better is what i'm doing right now: watching frasier on mute and reading subtitles. i can really appreciate a tv that can give me correct grammar and punctuation without having to sacrifice for an aesthetically-pleasing caption-to-screen ratio or display gibberish (i initially tried to spell that with a 'j' -- probably the same reason i have a habit of pronouncing the 'l' in 'salmon.' IT SHOULD SOUND LIKE IT LOOKS AND LOOK LIKE IT SOUNDS, DAMNIT.) alien language during commercials.

and every tv has a personality that is expressed through their captions. i like mine. it's saying to me right now in a MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY (yes that's how you spell it) voice: "hey, i know you're not stupid. i'm not gonna put stage directions in brackets, i'm gonna assume you have the presence of mind to read dialogue AND note facial expressions and body language in order to gain the full impact of these subtitles i'm here presentin' you. and if you don't have the presence of mind -- well, i'll train you. it's ok. now keep up. also, i respect you. you're not an idiot. i'm not gonna ITALICIZE every other word. i mean, i'll ITALICIZE when ITALICIZIN' is what's called for. i'm not gonna have your little mind-voice puttin' emphasis and inflection where they don't belong! got it? you keepin' up? want me to take my shirt off? alright alright.."

i've spent an episode and a half of frasier trying to get those thoughts nailed down into coherent words while maintaining a decent understanding of the plot and storyline and even a few jokes with no sound, only captions. go me.

that being said, i love getting confused at the end of an episode because you misunderstood or completely missed some important earlier dialogue. now you only have three minutes till the episode ends -- that's only three minutes to recalculate all the humor in the jokes you read but didn't understand AND prepare your emotional self for the heartwarming life-affirming (LOVE 'EM) lesson about to be taught in front of a live studio audience -- or a laugh track. either way you've got to be ready. anyway, that's totally me right now.

i'm just gonna pack a bag and move into my diy waterless grav bong.

see you suckers later.

i love you, tim kasher.

four four hip hop and you don't stop.

i had this whole thing typed out about how uncomfortable using this macbook is for a primate like me (i even had a gorilla-palm pilot analogy) but then i was like WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT JANE.

which reads differently than (from?):

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, JANE?

punctuation is important. capitalization is, too, but only sometimes. if the punctuation's good, it can do the job of capitalization. think about it.

you know what i miss? saddle creek bands.

and the anime emoticon that goes with this statement is: >.<

hey craig, you're not online and i have to share this with you now or i'll forget so i'm posting it here, where you can read/view at your leisure.

how i feel right now.

i'm converting to salsa-tarianism.

blogs scream vanity to me. so much so that i don't want to say it out loud: i have a blog. well, great. another self-important douche bag who thinks he's got something new and original to say. ughhh. but oh well. it's such a unique opportunity for your thoughts -- leaving your mind through your fingertips and into cyberspace, where it's impossible to keep track of anyone or everyone that comes across it.

it's crazy.

so, no, i don't have anything profound to say. i just get a kick out of having a little piece of a giant network that reaches out SO infinitely and indefinitely. just think about it.

i need to get out. 

out out and far away.

but i guess sleep will do for now.

and, to continue the series on people jane will dream about fucking:

i can't tell whether the advancement of technology has made the world awesome or started its decline.

my problem is: i'm a big-picture girl.

now, in the midst of an oil crisis, cusp of global warming, environmental concerns, etc. etc. this is prime time for people to start making money... let's keep it at: there's a reason she's from alaska.

---

i keep going through this cycle; i can't talk.

i'm a fucking hermit, man. but that's ok.

caffeine, nicotine, tetrahydrocannabinol.

what more does a girl need?

attn SELF: stop obsessing. 

i hope i never cave under the pressure and paranoia. i hope i can always say what i feel. unedited, raw, real thoughts. these thoughts here are a unique kind. they're real, but brought to you through pixels on a screen and clicks on a keyboard. this, combined with that tumblr account, may be the closest thing that would resemble my mind. did that make sense? probably not, since i'm not stoned.

the more weed you smoke, the more it takes. is that true?

i suppose there are some things that are better left unsaid? some things you shouldn't type and put into deep space, where anyone can view it. it makes me feel free, though. i don't like that there are things you can tell some of your friends, family, acquaintances, and others things that you cannot. it's like there's a separate you for every person you know. this is unsettling. it is hard enough to be one version of myself.

i know i don't make sense, but i feel better getting it off my chest.

a friend with weed is a friend, indeed.

i wonder how many times she had to take a big smiley bite of swiss cheese before they got the perfect take. 

they don't make them like they used to.

money shot.

"okay clint eastwood. now, scrunch your nose up, squint your eyes and make this face."

"like this?"

"yeah, like that."

kate hudson looks EXACTLY like her mother, goldie hawn. it's eerie.

two things: 

1. GOD i wish i were sweet enough to have a name like GOLDIE HAWN. come on! does that not SCREAM california hippie blond sexpot sunshine flower babe?! GOD.

2. how sweet would it be to have kurt russell as a stepdad?

also,

i would give a SUBSTANTIAL amount of money to fuck late 70's-early 80's chevy chase. JESUS.

seems like old times is my new favorite movie. it is the best six dollars i've ever spent.

"don't call me boss; didn't you see roots?"

jesus god i need to spread the word.

hallelujah.

signed,

"thomas jefferson wolfcall"

p.s.

this bare minerals infomercial has very exciting techno music in the background. with a guy singing some crazy lyrics about celebrating. but i just wanted to say that it takes a lot of make-up ("the warmth [bronzer] gives my skin a sunny glow" WHY DON'T YOU GO OUTSIDE AND GET YOURSELF A REAL SUNNY GLOW? EH?) to make a woman's skin look like it has absolutely no make-up on it.

p.p.s. tight head-shots and long sleeves, all of the models have long or shoulder-length hair in waves or curls, necklaces and high collars and even scarves! tied around their necks to draw attention away from the fact that their faces are of AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT SHADE than the rest of their bodies! are you kidding me!

i like to think that i become a pirate of sorts every time i get stoned. my eyes always get really dry, but my right eye dries particularly faster than my left, so my right lid stays closed a lot longer. i, of course, would much rather have both eyes closed, but i don't trust the world and prefer to keep my left eye focused upon it while the right eye rests beneath its veil-thin-lid-curtain. i am constantly and consistently one-eyed, mumbling curses at the eternally rocking ocean beneath the pitch and wood that binds me, fist in the air in 

oops. biscuits are done.

two things:

1. only good things can come from a 350 degree oven.

and 2. t minus 10 minutes til my fingers get too honey-buttery to type. 

i don't get it. HE's the swimmer, SHE's just the swimFAN. he does it, she's just a FAN. why is she going to challenge him in a pool fight? he's a professional. don't be ridiculous.

it's weird to step out of your body and see yourself as the selfish, annoying, stupid person you really are.

i will make this a good month.