Daddy by: Sylvia Plath

You do not do, you do not do Any more, black shoe In which I have lived like a foot For thirty years, poor and white, Barely daring to breathe or Achoo. Daddy, I have had to kill you. You died before I had time-- Marble-heavy, a bag full of God, Ghastly statue with one gray toe Big as a Frisco seal And a head in the freakish Atlantic Where it pours bean green over blue In the waters off beautiful Nauset. I used to pray to recover you. Ach, du. In the German tongue, in the Polish town Scraped flat by the roller Of wars, wars, wars. But the name of the town is common. My Polack friend Says there are a dozen or two. So I never could tell where you Put your foot, your root, I never could talk to you. The tongue stuck in my jaw. It stuck in a barb wire snare. Ich, ich, ich, ich, I could hardly speak. I thought every German was you. And the language obscene An engine, an engine Chuffing me off like a Jew. A Jew to Dachau, Auschwitz, Belsen. I began to talk like a Jew. I think I may well be a Jew. The snows of the Tyrol, the clear beer of Vienna Are not very pure or true. With my gipsy ancestress and my weird luck And my Taroc pack and my Taroc pack I may be a bit of a Jew. I have always been scared of you, With your Luftwaffe, your gobbledygoo. And your neat mustache And your Aryan eye, bright blue. Panzer-man, panzer-man, O You-- Not God but a swastika So black no sky could squeak through. Every woman adores a Fascist, The boot in the face, the brute Brute heart of a brute like you. You stand at the blackboard, daddy, In the picture I have of you, A cleft in your chin instead of your foot But no less a devil for that, no not Any less the black man who Bit my pretty red heart in two. I was ten when they buried you. At twenty I tried to die And get back, back, back to you. I thought even the bones would do. But they pulled me out of the sack, And they stuck me together with glue. And then I knew what to do. I made a model of you, A man in black with a Meinkampf look And a love of the rack and the screw. And I said I do, I do. So daddy, I'm finally through. The black telephone's off at the root, The voices just can't worm through. If I've killed one man, I've killed two-- The vampire who said he was you And drank my blood for a year, Seven years, if you want to know. Daddy, you can lie back now. There's a stake in your fat black heart And the villagers never liked you. They are dancing and stamping on you. They always knew it was you. Daddy, daddy, you bastard, I'm through.

i am glad not to obsess over you anymore.

started a master cleanse yesterday but gave it up for a burrito and so i could trip comfortably today. thinking about starting it again tomorrow, the drink isn't so bad and i like feeling my body yearn for something.

i wish there was more firewood. and i wish i was alone.

i told them and it went about as well as i thought it would, which is not very well at all.

i can't tell if i've been swayed by logic and good sense, or if my dreams were unfairly crushed. i feel like it's a little bit of both. but saying it out loud to them was cathartic, i wept like a child, i feel better now.

i wish i had someone to talk to, but, then again, i don't want to talk to anyone.

maybe this means i should go back to therapy.

huh.

i'm telling my parents tomorrow that i'm not going to school next semester and maybe the semester after that, maybe it'll be a while before i go. i'm telling them about my plans to start living and working on a farm in upstate new york next month (cattle/sheep/horses/dogs), 20 miles from the canadian border, in the middle of snowy, freezing nowhere. no lie.

there's a lunar eclipse the day after my birthday this month. BIG CHANGE.

just had delicious diner breakfast with s, now we're going to smoke hash and watch LOST.

my life is going to change dramatically this month, which is both comforting and scary. we'll see how this pans out.

“Make a radical change in your lifestyle & begin to boldly do things which you may previously never have thought of doing, or been too hesitant to attempt. So many people live within unhappy circumstances & yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, & conservation, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, & hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new & different sun. If you want to get more out of life, you must lose your inclination for monotonous security & adopt a helter-skelter style of life that will at first appear to you to be crazy. But once you become accustomed to such a life you will see its full meaning & its incredible beauty.”

— Jon Krakauer, Into the Wild.

"if i could i would make you a raging river, with angry rapids, supplied with rain, so you could always meander and forever be able to run away, without contending with myths wrongly interpreted with pain."

well,

i'll force my eyes shut and try to sleep, imagine your weight next to me.

i'll dream of you,

you should know that.

woke up in a terrible mood because i resent the people i live with, because i feel like i'm never alone, because i can't decide and i hate not being able to decide. i hate being in a bad mood but that's all i am lately. this doesn't help. i'm going back to bed.

on amphetamines and cleaning the fuck out of my kitchen. i feel better.

out of whiskey so i've switched to rum.

Some nights I thirst for real blood, for real knives, for real cries. And then the flash of steel from real guns in real life really fills my mind. Then I really miss what really did exist when I held your throat so tight. And I miss the bus as it swerved from us and almost came crashing to its side.

Sometimes the blood from real cuts feels real nice when it's really mine. And if you want it to be real, come over for a night, we can really, really climb, and those blue bridge lights might really burn most bright while we watch that dark lake rise. And if you really want to see what really matters most to me, we can just take a real short drive. Just a drive into the dark stretch, long stretch of night, will really stretch this shaking mind. And this room, unlit, unheated, and the ceiling striped, and the dark black blinds...

I want to know this time if you’re really finally mine. I need to know that you're not lying, and so I want to see you tried. And I don't want to hear you say it shouldn’t really be this way, because I like this way just fine. And there’s nothing quite like the blinding light when that curtain’s cast aside, and no attempt is made to explain away the things that really, really, really are behind.

- okkervil river, "for real"

I'm a bitch because I want to get away from the people close to me. not always, just now. the people who love me and want to be around me are too much, they want too much, and i'm unprepared. i want! yes, i know these are selfish thoughts and they are not without their guilt counterparts. it's just difficult, you know, dealing with things. i'm not good at it.

god i hate everything. i hate the way i write, i hate that i don't read enough, that i've fucked up school for the semester, that i don't know what the fuck i want to do next semester, or where i want to be, or what i want to do. i want to make money and run away, because that'll solve whatever problems i have, right? i know this isn't true, it couldn't possibly be true, it can't be that easy. RIGHT.

all i do is complain and it sickens me.

ugh, and i do it terribly.

WHAT AM I FIFTEEN AGAIN?

so i lied and probably hurt his feelings but i think he'll get over it. i hope so, anyways, i don't like loose ends.

vick's vapo-rub and vicodin and bong hits and a shot of whiskey -- i'd like more than the swig i took, but what am i, a maniac? and this incredible pain at my neck will not recede. third worst pain i've felt in my life, emanating into the base of my skull and outwards, deep into my shoulders. i'm tingling with despair at this inescapable tightening, tingling with anticipation, waiting for the sweet dulling, deadening embrace of painkillers.

WAITING.

yeah, so, something has to change. and i'm on it, don't worry.

and to the boy offering up his heart to me with overconfident hands, i'm sorry, i can't give you what you want. you're not for me. i don't want your crush, i'm too busy with my own. too busy with longing to deal with yours, and besides. i'm not who i really am right now, i don't know that i'd like to be with someone who likes who i am right now. i don't like who i am right now. i'm in no state. so, sorry. i feel bad, but not that bad. heartless? i feel that way sometimes.

hello november.

oh my god panic panic panic. time keeps pushing me along and i fucking hate it, i can't do it, i can't breathe or see or think. i am angry and hateful and clenching my jaw, wired for self-destruction. christ.

madder and madder, don't know what i'll do. drinking makes me feel better, whiskey is best. i'm tired of the company i keep and want to move on. want to purge all possessions and burn bridges and run away, curl up and wait for the sun to shine. i don't know, i'm having a problem with optimism. oh and everything else.

so angry, or maybe i just want solitude. or better company. or more drugs. who the fuck knows, just something.

i mean, it's ok. i'll listen to things and think about you, about you being next to me and me not being alone. i listen to things and i'll hope and wish and long and you will be none the wiser, isn't that tragic? i want you and you have no idea, the depth of my need.

i wish you would talk to me, i know you don't read this so it's useless, but i wish you would call me. i send little hopes into the air when i'm drunk that you'll dial me and i could hear your voice at the right moment and i could slur my childish adoration for you, trip over words, try to explain to you why i feel the way i do, but i don't really know, i'll just talk to hear myself and to comfort me, to imagine you smiling, wishing i was there. but i don't know how you feel, i don't know, and it's so heartbreaking.

s is so upset over d, i can't handle it. she's heartbroken and i can see it in her eyes and i don't know what to do. i just nod and frown and hold her when she needs it, but i'm no good at this. i need consoling myself. where are you?

i'm just going to go to sleep because i'm drunk, because i'm so tired of waiting and hoping, so so tired, and i can't keep it up. maybe i'm just lonely but i want to be near you, and you only.

wind is blowing dried leaves across the asphalt and it sounds like rain. my whiskey-to-coke ratio is increasing, my house is a fucking mess. i'm a fucking mess. i panic when i think about my life. i don't know what to do or what to think, i'm frozen in fear. i'm distracting myself, like a fucking stupid child. i forgot how i was and i forgot how to get there. i used to function once, didn't i? i feel like i don't want to go on. i just want to stop, run away. i haven't felt this way since high school. will i be this way forever? i need something.

whiskey does the trick!

Sarah
so glad you are heeeeeere

Jane
why are you bored?

Sarah
yessssssss

Jane
well i am no good.

Sarah
why????

Jane
i'm watching dexter ughhhh get out of class.

Sarah
o true

Sarah
welp
i will miss you
want me to bring anything home? or is there pizza still??!

Jane
pizza still.

Sarah
let's get some waaangs
aka wings

Jane
hahahaha aka wangs.

Sarah
love me some wangs

Jane
mm wangs.
ok gross girl i'm getting off the internet.

Sarah
what u say
it isn't showing up

Jane
hahahahahdsfjsdfkl you are so funny.

Sarah
:(

Jane
i SAID I'M GETTING OFF THE INTERNET.

Sarah
nooooooooooooo

Jane
oh yes.

Sarah
ate boundaries

Jane
wtf does that mean.

Sarah
woops
you got some of my notes

Jane
hahahahahaha

thinking about a lot of things, thinking about how different i am, how weird everything is, how sorry i feel, thinking about the past past past -- a sinking feeling in my chest, my heart a bag of sand with holes punched in it. thinking about how i'm not the person i want to be, but is there another way to be? i want to be happy and i want to do what i want and for the most part i've got it down, but i'm ill-prepared for the future. EXCITED, hopeful, scared, but ill-prepared. i need comfort now: literary, auditory, physical. i am weighed down by bad feelings, taking on water, sinking fast. and i can feel the familiar shroud settling down on me -- depression, self-pity self-pity self-pity. loneliness.

last day at work, smoked weed in the bathroom and snuck whiskey into my coke. lots of things to do tomorrow but no desire to do them.

i'm probably not what you want anyway.

i'm not good with longing.

what'd make me happier: polaroid film, books of poetry, more tattoos, straight a's, a job i enjoy & not having to worry about money, a car with cruise control, love letters, acres of land someplace where i can see the horizon, dogs, a lengthy road trip, being cooked for, lavender and baby's breath, fishing, travel, to smell rain in the desert again, museum visits, no worries no worries no worries.

the list seems pretty long but i'm not miserable right now. it's beautiful outside, 75 degrees and breezy and big fat white clouds. my window's open so the air smells like fast food. i have things to worry about -- school work i haven't touched, due dates passing me by, one job ending and another beginning, calling out when i shouldn't've, where did the money i make over the summer go? i smoked and drank and ate it all up and i'm telling myself i'm glad, this summer was one of growth for me, very exciting, no regrets no regrets no regrets.

i can't believe it's october.

this is for future reference:

Barking

BY JIM HARRISON

The moon comes up.

The moon goes down.

This is to inform you

that I didn’t die young.

Age swept past me

but I caught up.

Spring has begun here and each day

brings new birds up from Mexico.

Yesterday I got a call from the outside

world but I said no in thunder.

I was a dog on a short chain

and now there’s no chain.

Ask me for anything else by Marge Piercy

Patience is dun-colored,

the mousy, the confusing
fall warbler that eats the worms,
the nourishment of beans and whole wheat,
the slow rain the crops
need that grows mold
on the mind.

Watson has patience and muddy
boots, not Holmes with his
cocaine needle. Old dogs
snore their patience.
Cats pace. Big cats
cut patience from the herd
and run it down panting
for hot breakfast.

Patience is a game you play
in a damp chilly cabin
while the river roars
and the path is too soggy
to hike out. Patience
is a tick waiting on a grass
blade for you or your dog.
Patience is the joy
of oysters.

Try me for energy, passion,
hard work, loyalty, hope,
but patience is the spider's
virtue, and I am
the glinting biting fly.

Patience is the library
angel, balancing water
in the air between cups.
I am the fiery one
leaping and gone.
How shall I wait
for you? I wring my hair
dry and the pebbles
of the minutes hit me
in the face. My hands
scrape the air.
I am empty with wanting,
not like a box
but like a tiger's belly.

40,000 flies -- charles bukowski

torn by a temporary wind

we come back together again

check walls and ceilings for cracks and

the eternal spiders

wonder if there will be one more

woman

now

40,000 flies running the arms of my

soul

singing

I met a million dollar baby in a

5 and 10 cent

store

arms of my soul?

flies?

singing?

what kind of shit is

this?

it's so easy to be a poet

and so hard to be

a man.

couldn't sleep this morning so i picked back up the count of monte cristo and finished it half an hour ago, it's been too long since i've read a GOOD STORY, you know? i am wheezing and hacking and coughing, i had to've done permanent damage to my lungs by now, i'm sure that bong hit the other night was the final nail in the coffin. that said, i am ready to smoke more and all my weed is gone, smoked up by my roomie and sister and sister's friend (though she denies it) who cares, i'd just like to smoke and not have my things smoked without my knowledge or permission, but i guess that's too much to ask. my sister is growing up too fast and making too many decisions i feel that she'll regret later, but who am i to interfere? whenever i say something to her i'm shut down, she wants me to be the cool older sister whose apartment she can come hang out at, whose couch she can sleep on, whose tv she can watch, whose weed she can smoke, she doesn't want another mother. it's so frustrating i don't know what to do, how to act, where to look to for guidance. my roommate is annoying the shit out of me, take take take, no regard. little things bother me to no end, i have a hard time masking my disgust. i don't want to do anything, i want to just be carried along. i feel miserable and sick and sinking, i don't know what to do, i want to get stoned and lie in the sand.

got a new kitten and have officially become a "three-cat person." kitten brought home a virus and now we're all sick. kitten's got pink medicine and is on the rebound, my two tabbies and i are sneezing, sniffling, whistling when we (can) breathe through our noses. sad sorry sights.

i need more time to read.

new kitten's tentative name is hank. i say tentative because i'm meeting some opposition and i'm not quite sure it fits.

new tv, xbox is on the fritz.

having money is nice, not saving as much as i should.

need to go somewhere.

need to clean my house. i am filthy! so gross. need to wash things and throw things away, discard discard discard.

here is a picture of hank(?):

too cute, right? he is a little shit, he is driving alfredo and hildegard crazy and attacks everything. no toes are safe. he is super nuzzly and purry though. those are words gd it.

oh my god listening to alfredo and hildegard snore with snotty noses is THE FUNNIEST THING. so many odd whistles and snorts and pops ahahahaha it is just toooooo funny. also funny is fredo making a habit of sleeping at the highest cushioned point in the room -- last night and today it was a towel on top of a tool box on top of a set of shelves. i should also mention fredo is PACKING ON THE POUNDS. lookin' big and lookin' hilarious balanced precariously atop a pillar of crap.

dang i love shrimp egg foo young.

i have a kidney stone!

oh wait no, i'm confused. ugh, what am i doing. well, a lot of stuff, working, things are crazy but so normal, shit, i gotta go to work, see ya guys later,

ohhh i am a bad girl.

i am not sleeping enough.

oh no i am fucking lonely, getting lonelier. working every day, 10 to 11 hours at a time, making ice cream, scooping ice cream, my life is ice cream. i've got some in the freezer. the ex and i fucked a few times last week, it was weird, but the smell and the feel of him made me so nostalgic, i can still feel my bones aching to wrap around his, so on a whim and going out on a limb, i asked him on a date, he declined and my feelings didn't duck in time to dodge that hit, now i'm hurt. i wish i hadn't gone there, but i did, oh well. i'm fucking lonely. i'm working too much and i'm too mean to my friends, all i do is drink whiskey like it's water and breathe smoke like it's fire. a dragon of sorts.

i want to write because there is a lot i want to remember but i just got caught in this cycle:  sleep, wake, smoke, go to work at noon, eat ice cream and do ice cream-related work things, get off at nine pm, go home, smoke, sleep. usually i pass out before i get a chance to jerk off, but tonight i'm feeling saucy. i would like to say i appreciate soil, my faux girlfriend who bought me two whiskey and cokes tonight, and new york cheesecake fucking ice cream.

thank you and goodnight.

p.s. i don't want to have a myspace or a blog or any sort of internet identity of mine present after i die. i think it's eerie. so, i can see two ways of preventing this: 1) having knowledge of my time of death so i can prepare and delete all my internet accounts accordingly, or 2) give my usernames and passwords, contractually of course, maybe in a will, to someone i can trust to delete them immediately at my passing. it would be nice if there existed a company that specializes in such a task. um, hello business model? -J

oh my god i miss it.

well.


thought: i like my gut because it holds more delicious treats than yours.
another thought: i like to build up my filth and take fewer and longer showers. this enhances the whole bathing experience.

all's well that ends.

oh well i guess everything is all right.

oh, high school...

i was just playing with my cats, which is really fun to do when, well, ANYTIME.

today is really nice. i think i did well on my statistics test, finished an awesome paper for my religions class, ate a wawa pancake breakfast sandwich (a "SIZZLI," if you will), had coffee, smoked. and it's on-and-off raining, breezy, the clouds are little but fat and white and fast, the sun disappears for minutes at a time, but then pokes right back out as soon as you start thinking, i don't think it's coming back out, and the birds are laughing, we told you so! (gulls are really good at that.) so yeah, we've got the windows open and the air is moving through our second-story apartment just like you'd want it to.

and i was playing with my cats, like i said, and we were doing catrobatics (hildegard is a world class kitten gymnast) and listening to rush, so, yeah, that was fun.

ah jesus, it's just so much easier to not do anything. 

and this day went on onto bigger and better things: i spent 12 hours watching the entire first season of true blood (my obsession mostly fueled by my desire to fuck and be fucked by william thomas compton aka bill compton aka vampire bill aka the love of my goddamn afterlife -- oh, plus the perks of being on hbo: breasts, sex scenes, and curse words!) and i swear i didn't intend to, it just feels like i'm going through a rough patch, i feel cyclical, but unbalanced. more ovally, eggular. i feel like it should be okay for me to be self-indulgent because i feel bad. but then again, i'm self-indulgent when i feel good. i am self-indulgent all the time and yeah it's the way to enjoy things, but it's not the way to DO things. is it? i don't like this change and confusion growing inside me, it feels alien and uncomfortable, to be honest, and i'm a goddamn chicken.

jane, jane, don't get overwhelmed. come on!

alright, i'm gonna go rub one out to thoughts of vampire dick, fall asleep, and dream whilst i prepare myself for battle against TUESDAY, for it is the day of the week that belongs to the gods of war, is it not? tyr's day, martis dies, you choose. it's all the same.

so i was gonna go to class today, but i had to shit. and shitting trumps everything.

oh i love being drunk, i love smoking dope. i love when the chance of finding things HILARIOUS is greatly increased. i love when cynicism is reduced, when everything i warm and fuzzy and funny. i love giggling until i get hiccups, and then giggling some more. i love bar bands and the silly songs they cover.. why would you play no doubt AND fleetwood mac, for goodness' sake! goodnesses' sake? goodness sake? goodnessake? oh i don't know. all i care about is feeling nice, but i suppose that is a dangerous place to be.

my cats are hilarious.

goodnight.

i need some inspiration, i need some motivation, i need some motion!!!!! why can't i create it myself?!?! AHHHHFJKLSD.

today it is 73 degrees outside. last week it was in the low thirties and there was snow, for crying out loud! virginia beach you are a weird place to live.

my cats are getting fatter and i can feel the days stretching, the sun stealing minutes from the moon, stocking them up for summer. this town is sensitive, it knows. it swells with life as the days get longer, hotter. strange faces with fanny-packs around their waists and cameras about their necks creep in like fog, then ignite like brushfire on memorial day, and yes i mixed two similes there BUT COME ON it was necessary. and among the strange faces of tourists are the familiar faces of children returning to their homes, their nests; some are taking a sabbatical from 'young adulthood' and they flit about and play in the sun and the sand and the salt water like excitable but lazy little chickadees, and others have no time to play, because it's a bird-eat-bird world out there, and you gotta do what you can to get abeak.

did you see what i did there?

and all the birdies and strange faces disappear with the growing nighttime, the cooling days, the falling leaves. this town can exhale, finally, before it settles down into itself for the winter. i get impatient with winter, and with summer, i'll admit. frankly they stay too long for me, are too overbearing, smothering. spring and fall get pushed around; their names mean other things, they are verbs AND nouns, they are monosyllabic and small, with only enough strength to carry ONE vowel apiece. the poor things, they are transitional periods, bends in the road, and like dawn and dusk they are beautiful, but merely a means to an end.

and i've always been a means kind of girl.

es el 3 de marzo.

en la clase de astronomia, mi profesora called today (3/3/09) SQUARE ROOT DAY. actually, she wrote it on the board as "SQAURE ROOT DAY" which is so bizarre to look at. i couldn't think of a way to say she had inverted the letters without making me feel like an ass, but in hindsight, what a silly thing to devote so much thought and time towards.

the next SQAURE ROOT DAY is april 4th, 2016.

i spent my sqaure root day in las clases de espanol y astronomia, including 2+ hours slaving over a spectroscope lab only to find we measured the wrong spectral lines!, and helped a man in my astronomy class with whom i never talk (except he said good morning to me today) jump his car.

on an unrelated (or is it?) note:

i think i panic when i don't get enough time in solitude.

baked and standing in front of the march of my ansel adams landscapes calendar. my heart beats faster, my eyes dart from shadow to shadow in crevice and cloud. i love it and i wish i could safely share this information with someone.

smokin' dope, imbibin' booze, gettin' straight a's. yeah, no big deal.

i'm falling for people LEFT AND RIGHT.

things are a little stressful, a lot stressful, very stressful but of course i'm gettin' by. what else can you do?

i mean, i could stand to get laid, ifyouknowwhatimean. but who couldn't.

glory glory.

my cats right now.

yeah i've lost some friends but i'm lucky to have the ones i do. i focus too much on the past and dumb things i've done and friendships i've had instead of investigating the possibilities of new relationships. i keep feeling like i'm missing out but i'm not! it's all right here, in front of me, waiting to be explored.

my father used to tell me that i was half alien, that he was sent to earth years ago on a reconnaissance mission and married my mother and chose to stay on earth. i feel half-alien all the time, so maybe he was telling the truth.

oh, i don't know how i am. it changes. i feel dissociated, mostly. i don't have anything nice to say so i won't say anything at all. i may be going crazy.

i love love love europa film treasures. here are some of my favorites so far:


Filmens Vovehals (Daredevil of the Movie), 1923
"Emilie Sannom was a Danish daredevil. These compiled film extracts are proof of that. They mixed scenes of action and scenes from the circus and the stunts were often staggering: whether beneath the water or in the air, on a wire or the sail of a windmill, the protagonist was always heroic. Her dresses, bottoms and flowery hats suffered from every ordeal imaginable: climbing, abseiling, the improbable chasing of a cowboy all the way to a submarine, acrobatics on a plane in full flight. This cool actress has remained in the memory of Danish cinema as a 'death-dodger.'"



Robinet aviatore (Tweedledum, Aviator), 1911
"The enthusiastic and creative Tweedledum made his mad idea to fly come true. Cheered on by the crowd, he climbed aboard his strange machine, curiously inspired by the flying fish. But his trip soon turned to disaster since, equipped with an anchor, his plane destroyed steeples and watchtowers before crashing. Tweedledum, who left a hero, provoked an angry response from a population fed up with his escapades and he ended up in prison."



Das eitle Stubenmädchen (The Saucy Chambermaid), 1908
"A pretty maidservant is absent-mindedly dusting with a feather duster. Suddenly intrigued by an antique sculpture with a perfect figure, she amuses herself by striking the same pose. With a little simper at first, then positively beaming, the maid strips right down to her birthday suit.
When the master of the house suddenly appears on the scene, the pretty statue in the flesh does not leave him cold."



Trois films de Prévention du dessinateur O'Galop (Public health designed by O'Galop), 1918
"These 3 cartoons were made in 1918 by O’Galop, the designer of Bibendum Michelin, to warn the post-war population of the ravaging effects of alcohol and tuberculosis. This public health campaign seems far removed from our present-day concerns. Over time it has acquired a different dimension."

i also want a wooden case for my macbook, but enough about awesome material shit, let's talk about something real!

what's real is that it's pretty damn cold here, and the heat is broken. the cats keep my lap warm, fireplace and electric blankets do the rest. classes have started and i'm doing okay, despite not going today. i am taking spanish and not russian like i wanted to, but it's worth it not to have classes at night. 

i get stoned all the time.

i am literally forcing myself not to buy this Beard Bag. it's driving me crazy. i must have it but i shouldn't! oh i shouldn't!

this is what i want: a trapdoor in the kitchen floor that leads into a spiral-staircase wine cellar. not too much to ask i think.

my cats today.




and some close-ups to help you understand how great it is to be a cat bathing in sunlight (notice the look of furry bliss on fredo's face):

the more i watch lost the more i want to fuck naveen andrews. sayid jarrah, take me home!

i think nothing is more pleasant on the tongue than boone's farm blue hawaiian. well, almost nothing.

one more thing: i cooked myself a t-bone steak tonight. it'd been sitting in the freezer for months, icy, a few month's past the expiration date (which i am slowly learning to view as more of a general outline than an actual rule), but it wasn't half bad. hell, i imagine anything could be made passingly edible with a few minutes in a frying pan and a delicious tangy puddle of a-1 steak sauce.

classes start on monday. i am signed up and paid for, ready to take the exact amount of credits and exactly the right classes i need to graduate in may. i would type more about this but i lied about the 'one more thing' thing and i will wait to worry about school till tomorrow, when i should figure out what i'm going to do in the fall (oh christ..). right now i'm gonna drink some more of this boone's farm flavored beer, smoke some more you-know-what, watch some more of this popular television drama, and ogle some hot dirty deserted island hunks like the classy broad i am.

today

the thought of apocalypse gets me real excited. 

p.s. i loooove albrecht dürer.

oh my god i'm fucking lonely!

let's see how long i can continue this streak of smoking weed weed weed, eating food, playing video games, and watching the boob tube all by my lonesome.

well, it can be kinda nice. no one to judge me when i laugh at my cats.

my new years was fine. no champagne though i just turned 21, no fireworks so i'll wait till the fourth of july. i love champagne, i love fireworks, so that's a shame. i laid on one couch and my roomie laid on the other while we watched the first season of snl, which, along with the second season, i bought for myself as a birthday present. i didn't recognize 2009 until someone called me and introduced her. she seems nice.

i've been sick since then but i think it's finally wearing itself out. i have no resolutions but i have resolved. i am resolved. or maybe i'm just sleepy.

note to self

CAPRICORN

2009
Card : Man of Cups (Surfer)
Stone : Amazonite (Personal Truth)
Herb : Lobelia
Animal totem : Bear (Contemplation)

The Man of Cups indicates a year in which you are likely going to find yourself achieving a sense of emotional maturity and stability. You seem to be reaching a point of healing, or you may have found the right person to aid you in your healing process. This can be a year in which you are experiencing a depth of emotion and connection to yourself and the world around you that goes beyond what you might have known or experienced before. A relationship may feel as if it has grown and reached a new level. You may come into a relationship with someone who is emotionally stable and giving. This is a year in which you understand how to be in control of your emotions while also allowing yourself to be emotionally expressive, when control doesn't (have to) mean holding back or holding in. Strive for emotional openness and trust. It's okay. And the person you're opening up to will likely not betray that trust. Be conscious of your emotional states so that you can maintain an emotional equilibrium, knowing which emotions to go with and which to let pass. Let this be a year in which you are willing to do some exploration and healing work around those emotions that may have been deeply buried because they are scary emotions to navigate and deal with. Be willing to dive into those emotions in the coming year in order to understand them. Go with the flow and relax into where the current of life wants to take you while understanding that you only have control, ultimately, over yourself. The Man of Cups calls upon you to make this a year in which you develop yourself emotional, spiritually, creatively and psychically. Go within to discover what is in the depths. Go deeper in order to immerse yourself. And then let what you discover be brought forth and flow out into the world to connect with and benefit others as well.

Amazonite helps you to remember the importance of expressing your personal truth through your words and actions. Live according to your truth in order to gain a sense of trust in yourself, first, and then to be able to open up and trust others. Amazonite helps us to stop living our life in order to please others. Amazonite helps us to stop hiding our feelings in order to not cause waves and upset anyone or anything, but to instead be willing to let our feelings be expressed in a way that is honest and truthful without being malicious and with harmful intention. You don't have to make someone feel guilty in order to let them know they have done something to hurt you. Saying you're sorry can be far more healing than letting something go unacknowledged so that there is always an undercurrent of anger or resentment or hurt. Amazonite helps you to declare your mind and heart openly and honestly, to no longer repress how you feel or what you have to express to the world out of fear that it might upset.

Lobelia is an herb used to attract love. It is also used to stop an oncoming storm. This can be an herb that can assist in halting the oncoming tempest of an argument or emotionally upsetting situation, perhaps helping to remind us to express ourselves and deal with the situation when it happens rather than letting it build up and up and up to a hurricane of massive proportions. A little rain never hurt anything. A massive hurricane can destroy everything in its path. Lobelia is used for asthma and lung problems. It can help us to remember how to breathe in order to calm down and deal with things in a more focused and conducive manner.

Bear reminds you throughout the coming year that in order to achieve what we aspire to, we need to go within. Listen to the inner voice, for it holds the guidance we seek if we are simply willing to quiet ourselves and listen. You know what you need, now quiet the external chatter in order to hear what your own inner voice is trying to reveal to you. Bear is a harbinger of deep and great transformation. Bear helps us to be patient, to wait and to listen when it comes rather than forcing it to come when we want or expect it to. Bear helps us to remember what we really want, and to then be willing to make the necessary changes in order to start fresh and anew in order to create our lives as we really want them to be rather than simply settling for how they are because that's easier and safer. There is nothing in life that can't be changed. So be patient in waiting and listening for the guidance and answers your seek. But then, when they come, take action ! You can only get to the next step by taking the first one. Your intuition may be working overtime in the coming year. Keep a dream journal...always have something on hand to make a note of those flashes of inspiration and intuition when they come, for they will likely come at any moment.