ah jesus, it's just so much easier to not do anything. 

and this day went on onto bigger and better things: i spent 12 hours watching the entire first season of true blood (my obsession mostly fueled by my desire to fuck and be fucked by william thomas compton aka bill compton aka vampire bill aka the love of my goddamn afterlife -- oh, plus the perks of being on hbo: breasts, sex scenes, and curse words!) and i swear i didn't intend to, it just feels like i'm going through a rough patch, i feel cyclical, but unbalanced. more ovally, eggular. i feel like it should be okay for me to be self-indulgent because i feel bad. but then again, i'm self-indulgent when i feel good. i am self-indulgent all the time and yeah it's the way to enjoy things, but it's not the way to DO things. is it? i don't like this change and confusion growing inside me, it feels alien and uncomfortable, to be honest, and i'm a goddamn chicken.

jane, jane, don't get overwhelmed. come on!

alright, i'm gonna go rub one out to thoughts of vampire dick, fall asleep, and dream whilst i prepare myself for battle against TUESDAY, for it is the day of the week that belongs to the gods of war, is it not? tyr's day, martis dies, you choose. it's all the same.

so i was gonna go to class today, but i had to shit. and shitting trumps everything.

oh i love being drunk, i love smoking dope. i love when the chance of finding things HILARIOUS is greatly increased. i love when cynicism is reduced, when everything i warm and fuzzy and funny. i love giggling until i get hiccups, and then giggling some more. i love bar bands and the silly songs they cover.. why would you play no doubt AND fleetwood mac, for goodness' sake! goodnesses' sake? goodness sake? goodnessake? oh i don't know. all i care about is feeling nice, but i suppose that is a dangerous place to be.

my cats are hilarious.

goodnight.

i need some inspiration, i need some motivation, i need some motion!!!!! why can't i create it myself?!?! AHHHHFJKLSD.

today it is 73 degrees outside. last week it was in the low thirties and there was snow, for crying out loud! virginia beach you are a weird place to live.

my cats are getting fatter and i can feel the days stretching, the sun stealing minutes from the moon, stocking them up for summer. this town is sensitive, it knows. it swells with life as the days get longer, hotter. strange faces with fanny-packs around their waists and cameras about their necks creep in like fog, then ignite like brushfire on memorial day, and yes i mixed two similes there BUT COME ON it was necessary. and among the strange faces of tourists are the familiar faces of children returning to their homes, their nests; some are taking a sabbatical from 'young adulthood' and they flit about and play in the sun and the sand and the salt water like excitable but lazy little chickadees, and others have no time to play, because it's a bird-eat-bird world out there, and you gotta do what you can to get abeak.

did you see what i did there?

and all the birdies and strange faces disappear with the growing nighttime, the cooling days, the falling leaves. this town can exhale, finally, before it settles down into itself for the winter. i get impatient with winter, and with summer, i'll admit. frankly they stay too long for me, are too overbearing, smothering. spring and fall get pushed around; their names mean other things, they are verbs AND nouns, they are monosyllabic and small, with only enough strength to carry ONE vowel apiece. the poor things, they are transitional periods, bends in the road, and like dawn and dusk they are beautiful, but merely a means to an end.

and i've always been a means kind of girl.

es el 3 de marzo.

en la clase de astronomia, mi profesora called today (3/3/09) SQUARE ROOT DAY. actually, she wrote it on the board as "SQAURE ROOT DAY" which is so bizarre to look at. i couldn't think of a way to say she had inverted the letters without making me feel like an ass, but in hindsight, what a silly thing to devote so much thought and time towards.

the next SQAURE ROOT DAY is april 4th, 2016.

i spent my sqaure root day in las clases de espanol y astronomia, including 2+ hours slaving over a spectroscope lab only to find we measured the wrong spectral lines!, and helped a man in my astronomy class with whom i never talk (except he said good morning to me today) jump his car.

on an unrelated (or is it?) note:

i think i panic when i don't get enough time in solitude.

baked and standing in front of the march of my ansel adams landscapes calendar. my heart beats faster, my eyes dart from shadow to shadow in crevice and cloud. i love it and i wish i could safely share this information with someone.

smokin' dope, imbibin' booze, gettin' straight a's. yeah, no big deal.

i'm falling for people LEFT AND RIGHT.

things are a little stressful, a lot stressful, very stressful but of course i'm gettin' by. what else can you do?

i mean, i could stand to get laid, ifyouknowwhatimean. but who couldn't.

glory glory.