alcohol is a lubricant of many things.

how can i be getting happier and more miserable at the same time?

my cats are doing fine, thanks. they run around the house and play tag like kids, it's cute to see. i'm in love with them.

i've got an electric blanket. it's gonna treat me real good tonight.

i think that's all i've got to say.

it is so cold outside and so cold inside. weatherman says it'll warm up soon so the heat is staying off. instead i'm wearing a thousand layers, lying in front of fires, huddling under blankets.

the cats are getting bigger, i think. growing before my very eyes. this is probably not exciting to anyone but me. 

i hate how cold my hands get.

living with new roomie is fun. we've been cooking a lot; shrimp scampi the other night was amazing. i want sarah to move in, sleep on the couch, and get an orange cat. i think there's room for one more cat. and i want an orange one. ok.

i need a job real bad. but i have no desire to hunt for one. i would just like these sort of things to fall into my lap, ok? i'm sick and tired of everything, i'm real cold, and still ill. not still ill in a morrissey kind of way, but literally STILL ILL - sniffling, sneezing, coughing. alcohol, cigarettes, and weed don't help BUT HELL I'LL TAKE 'EM ANYWAYS.

i feel great.

we would have great sex.

it's november 15th and that means the month is half gone. it feels like it just started.

got weed and got liquor, got books and got a few friends. i'm ok.

i wish i had feathers to tie in my hair.

fall is settling in nicely.

out of money, out of liquor, out of weed, out of patience.

i am so GODDAMN angry and my hands are cold and i don't know what to do with myself.

everything is weird. i don't know who i am or what i want because i want so many things, there's no way i could fit them all into one life, right? how do i get started? i feel stuck and bored where i am, but too lazy and apathetic to do anything about it. do i care? i don't know. all i care about is this last bit of whiskey i'm drinking.

i don't want to go to school. it's not fun anymore. nothing is fun anymore. i cannot find a job. or rather, one will not fall into my lap. i need friends around me and i'm glad i've got a few. i am falling more and more in love with hildegard and alfredo everyday. i never thought i'd be a cat person, but i guess you just have to meet the right ones.

i do not regret typing that.

i miss friends i haven't seen in months and years. i feel as though i need them back in my life. i do not miss my ex and do not want to be friends with him, i think the transition from boyfriend to friend is too hard for me to handle. i am awkward, all big hands and tiny tools, i can't get shit done.

i dwell.

i guess i do. i don't feel it, though. i used to think i knew myself, but more and more often lately i've been stepping out of my body and trying to see me the way others do. this is such a fascinating and fucking useless activity. i feel my levels adjusting everyday.

life is weird. i read watership down when the house is quiet and the sun shines through my window and i climb through the pages and escape. when everything is beautiful i sit on the porch and listen to the birds chirp and read walt whitman's leaves of grass. when i am miserable or horny or angry or desperate i smoke cigarettes and read arthur rimbaud and it restores a certain amount of poetic order to the world. i like options.

my coughing has been ridiculous lately. i can't speak without wheezing, i can't breathe without hacking, i'm chugging mint blue cough syrup like it doesn't taste like gum spit. my body is pissed that i keep subjecting my lungs to illegal and unhealthy inhalants. BUT OH WELL.

oh weird, my birthday is in a month and a half or so. has it been a year already? i'm ready for 2009.

i need money really bad and it sickens me. fuck credit cards, fuck bills, fuck jobs. money is a game and it pisses me off that i have to play.

sarah says whiskey makes me mean!

whiskey drinks, camel turkish golds, smoke weed everyday, the weather has been dreadful the last few days, the wind throws rain against the vinyl siding and the sun never bothers to clear away the clouds, they just sit there, cold and gray. i've been coughing a lot, i've got a cold i can't shake. i take medicines here and there: blue cough syrup, some zicam up my nose, an allergy pill everyday to keep the sniffles away, i don't take the medications i've been prescribed, this worries Those Who Care About Me but i figure i've got the rest of my life to spend on prescription drugs, right? not to mention i am happy now and this is what i want now and now is the only thing that matters, i could give a shit about the future. i lied i do give a shit about the future but only because i can do what the fuck i want with it. i can't believe barack obama will be president. this is huge and i'm so excited about the country taking a turn. both senators from virginia are democrats for the first time since 1970 i think. this is huge. you should have seen me dance and squeal on election night. i don't give a shit about democrats but the change is exciting. haven't been to a few of my classes in a while, i can't be bothered. i'll admit i don't give a shit about statistics; i can stand philosophy but sometimes i want to stop talking about it and feel it happen.

this is what i want to be able to do.

all beer is disgusting.

the thing that makes one beer better than the other: the amount of time it takes for the beer to go from disgusting to delicious.

that makes sense, right?

it shore does.

(shore does, sure does? WEIRD.)

a tale of two kitties.

i've wasted a lot of time taking pictures of my cats, wishing i had editing software, looking at pictures of my cats, trying to decide how best to display pictures of my cats on the internet, thinking about how there are way too many pictures of people's cats on the internet, thinking about how i don't care, my cats are awesome.

i got some brick but it ain't the same as the lemons!

i live a lazy life. i don't care. i feel full of piss and vinegar, but fluffy at the same time. i am angry and frustrated but totally alright with everything. except everything i say seems to be the exact opposite of what i feel. i am constantly at odds with myself, like i'm made of the wrong sides of magnets, nothing connects, just repels itself. WHAT.

funny how i wish i were more alone right now.