i am such a rabbit:

Positive: The Rabbit can be sensitive, tactful. home-loving, refined, prudent, discreet, long-living, ambitious, cultured, well-mannered, artistic, considerate, scholarly, suave, graciously hospitable, modest and unimpeachably virtuous.

Negative: The Rabbit can also be snobbish, secretive, pedantic, complicated, haughtily indifferent, self-indulgent, hypochondriacal, punctilious, judgemental, self-righteous, deceptive, self-centred and terminally condescending.

chinese astrology really gets me.

RIGHT NOW I AM THIRTEEN: I AM DANCING BY MYSELF AROUND MY BEDROOM, LISTENING TO BIKINI KILL.

I TYPE BIG BECAUSE MY THOUGHTS ARE LOUD.

(click for the full image.)

this is hildegard:


this is alfredo:


this is alfredo in a bag:

maybe i feel this way because "une saison en enfer" was published this month in 1873; maybe i feel this way because he was born on october 20 and died on november 10. maybe i feel this way because this truly is A SEASON IN HELL. i am growing more and more in love with arthur rimbaud.

fuck me and fuck my life.

this is where i'd rather be: flying over fields of tulips in the netherlands.

it's an interesting transition i'm making from the kind of girl who wants everybody to like her to the kind of girl who just doesn't give a shit. i can feel the wires in me rerouting and the lights clicking on an off like i have some sort of computer-generated intelligence that is adjusting itself and learning through trial and error. like a baby robot.

i can feel the doubt and jealousy and regret trying to seep in; there's a hole in my hardware somewhere. i can feel it like acid, melting away pieces of my hardened technology, but i can feel myself healing, fusing together, creating a stronger bond than was there before. but i don't know how long this will last.

my therapist would say these are red flags, she would recommend i hop back on prozac. but here's where it comes around again, full circle: I DON'T GIVE A SHIT.

the sun and sky are hidden behind clouds today, so i'll feel incomplete and out of whack all day. mentally limping. all i want to do is go back to sleep.

RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG.

this is alfredo, sleeping in my lap right now. hilde is sleeping on my bed. cute.

well, today i feel shitty. still sick.

i also paid $50 to some website for the shittiest essay/paper i've ever seen. 

i can't believe i did that.

i also can't believe that i didn't start writing the geography paper that's due tonight when it was assigned six weeks ago.

i guess i just don't give a shit.

the class is only three grades: test, paper, and a presentation on the paper.

if i don't do it, i fail the course.

if i fail the course, it's money down the drain.

the question is: do i care?

money, grades? what is this shit? GIVE ME SOMETHING REAL.

i'll just hang with my cats.

that is absolutely out of control.

in other news, today i have two teenage kittens. they are a brother and sister duo named ALFREDO and HILDEGARD, respectively, after a pair of muppets that appeared once on muppets tonight, season 3 episode 9. yeah i did my research. names are important. i expect to call them fredo and hilde for short.

they are adjusting nicely. it is fun to watch them run around and tackle each other. now this apartment doesn't feel so empty.

now i am going to go by my parents' house and pick up some corned beef and cabbage with boiled potatoes they made for dinner and set aside for me. YUM.

there is a roommate prospect, and i should be getting weed tonight!

things are looking up!

more deets and possibly some photos later.

i want to marry tyler florence. and then fuck his brains out.

on a completely unrelated note, i think i watch too much tv.

nice to be around friends today. feelin' sicker'n hell but i'm coping. looking forward to curling up under my blanket tonight, holding myself for warmth. it should heat up this week, forecast says it'll be 73 degrees tomorrow. i'm on the lookout for boots -- i need no-nonsense, ass-kicking boots. but mostly i need something thicker and warmer for my tootsies. the cold bites my ankles. i believe i'm dropping acid this week, that should be fun. i'm looking forward to a change of pace.

i think i've got a full-blown cold now. i'm sneezing and coughing and feeling pretty crappy. i went to my parents' house for dinner and my stepdad had a new bottle of cough syrup waiting for me. what a sweet guy. it is neon blue in color, looks radioactive, tastes minty. my mother and i had a laugh about how much i hated drinking cough syrup when i was little, how i would dance around and whine and complain before drinking it, how she would have to yell at me to get it down, how much i hated the taste, how my face would scrunch up and i would scramble for a drink to wash it down.

anyways it's funny because i still do that -- dance around and whine before drinking it -- and i didn't know how to react when i swallowed this radioactive-lookin' stuff and it didn't taste horrible. it tasted like your spit when you're chewing gum. maybe this means i'm growing up. probably not.

my buddies just left and the apartment is empty. all i can hear is the ticking and tocking of the two analog clocks in my bedroom. they are on opposite sides of the room and they tick at different intervals. sometimes i love it, sometimes i hate it. but either way it's all i hear.

i'd like a big bong hit right now, a big mug of hot chocolate with lots of little marshmallows, a big fire crackling in my little fireplace. 

i'd like a lot of things and i'm worried about everything and i just wish i could stay warm.

funny how i can go weeks without talking to anyone, seeing anyone, hanging out with anyone. then all in one weekend i get friends from out of town staying at my apartment, friends i used to work with texting me, etc etc. feast or famine, right? RIGHT.

well, it's nice to have living souls around to make noise and share my air with. but the sun hasn't been out for two days and it's cold, rainy. my hands are perpetually cold and there's something clawing at the back of my throat. it's hard to enjoy anything when you're worried -- and i am worried! i am worried and lonely, there's that fucking word again, lonely even though i haven't been alone.

i need to find someplace to live. i've been revisiting craigslist, refreshing pages, sending emails, getting no responses. it's stupid and frustrating and i wish i had a dog to curl up in bed with me, to take for a walk. 

maybe it's just because my hands are cold.

i need to get out!!!!!

maybe that's what i need.

i don't mean being blind.

i mean having a tiny pony WEARING SNEAKERS that will accompany me around town.

a few things:

1. finding a place to live is hard. i want a dog. i want to move across country. i want the west coast.

2. i own at least ten scarves (with four in the process of being knat -- i don't care about that squiggly red line underneath that word. they're not being knitted, they're being knat.). is that too many for one person? i don't care. i love them all and i need more.

3. roommate and his parents moved some of his crap out of the apartment today. his mother asked me to clean his room when everything's out. i would've refused, if they hadn't kindly left behind one of their tvs for my living room. i also tried very hard not to warn them against letting their son move in with his girlfriend. TROUBLE WAITING TO HAPPEN.

4. thank science for painkillers.

i think that's all i've got. wait.

5. my stomach hurts a lot. i don't mean a lot. i mean often. my stomach hurts regularly. my eating schedule is fucked. but who the fuck cares! i sure don't.

6. i don't have weed.

7. i wish i had alcohol.

boohoo i'm out of weed. :(

secondhand smoke.

i am probably giving all the little crickets on my porch tiny lung cancer.

trying hard to convince myself there is no universal conspiracy against me.

ok, i find quick solace from the troubles of my miserable life in this:

also, there's a version on youtube with a BABY in SUNGLASSES, which is practically a recipe for uproarious laughter, at least for me. but jesus i will laugh at anything.

for instance:

fuck this, i'm going back to bed.

i am just so goddamn angry. maybe it's because i'm reading watership down but i feel like stamping my feet, dashing away, scratching holes to disappear into the earth. 

i have to get out of here! i'm done with everyone i know here - they all dislike me for reasons that are UNKNOWN to me and i am way too angry about EVERYTHING to remain civil much longer!

plus i can't sleep but i'm so tired. SO SICK AND TIRED.

ok enough.

p.s. this fucking drama bullshit is for kids! somebody show me where the adults hang, for christ's sake! i'm just tryin' to CHILL, man.

i've had a best friend all my life. i can count seven, not including my sister, who fills the gaps between. i call these people best friends, but not in a dollar store sterling silver Best Friends split heart charm bracelet sort of way. when i say best friend i mean we spent every moment we could by each other's side, we were in sync, we thought the same things, never fought, always laughed. two halves of one whole. natural, completely comfortable. do you know what i mean? have you experienced it?

am i programmed to be like this? did something happen to me early on in my childhood that shaped me, taught me to befriend and cling to and absorb into another person this way? did i witness some pre-divorce fight and find permanent solace in a kindred soul? did i inherit my father's addiction to escapism as well as his depression? or did i observe and emulate? or is every human like this? is it a natural, physical, biological drive to want to be close to another being, or is it a psychological, sociological urge? is it physiology or philosophy? nature or nurture? 

this has been quite the epiphany i've had. it's odd -- odd because it's not all sunshine and butterflies like most epiphanies, odd because i don't know what to do with it. i don't know if i like this quality i've discovered in myself. does this behavior of mine enhance my life, or detract from it?

i'll sit on it.

in other news, i've spent FOREVER trying to spit out what i wanted to say. now i will clear my head.

in a burst of boredom-fueled energy, i cleaned my room (to an extent)! i can now see more floor in my bedroom, more than i've seen since i moved in. threw out the last of ex-boyfriend's crap, put my crap in the spaces where his crap used to be. 

god i have a lot of crap.

i want SO BADLY to purge myself of all, or most, of my possessions. i would like to own only a few things. but for many, many reasons (i won't go into my ideas about why i'm like this, and believe me, i've got 'em -- my brain is SO exhausted from trying to evaluate myself so much) i am a mostly-messy crap-collecting packrat.

but anyways i vacuumed. 

when i started writing this, i made a note for myself at the bottom of the page. this was it:

everything is beautiful right now.

i mention this only because i'd like to offer an update. now everything is dark.

porn for my ears.

mother-of-pearl magnolia flower inlay plug, $100 a pair [my size out of stock]:

pearl teardrop lotus flower plug, $52 a pair [my size out of stock]:

ammonite fossil plug, $400 a pair:

horn with engraved amber stork/blossom plug, $210 a pair:

chiapas amber carved flowers, $580 a pair:

any of these, too.

siiiiiiiigh.

what i am thinking is that if i died, nobody would notice for days. days.*

strange!!!

time to get stoned.

my life is sad. i am sad.

my hair smells incredible.

i love italics.

*this is not a plea for help or sympathy. just an observation.

weed tv weed tv weed tv weed tv weeeddddd tv tv tv weed.

oh my godddddd jeff goldblum is joining the cast of a law and order?!?!

a reason to live!!!!

i have never FELT and BEEN (at the same time) so alone in my life.

it's such an interesting feeling.

i wish i could stop thinking.

we just watched the michael moore movie sicko in my weekend geography course and now i'm mostly sad, partly angry. i feel conflicted, overwhelmed, unsure whether to go into FIGHT or FLIGHT mode. part of me wants to fight, part of me wants to flee!

i could make an awesome expat.

whoops, gotta go.

needless to say, i'm looking forward to going home, getting stoned, cooking myself a delicious turkey burger (whole wheat bun, juicy tomatoes, crisp lettuce) and some delicious oven-baked fries (with garlic seasoning), with some delicious fresh-brewed sweet tea.

oh man oh man. i can't wait to get out of here.

a normal person might be upset about spending ANOTHER friday night at home alone,

but tonight, at 10 PM,

on AMC,

HISTORY OF THE WORLD: PART I.

so no,

this weekend i'm perfectly ok with it.

because i'm weird.

now i have to leave and spend four hours in a classroom with a bunch of other weirdos taking weekend courses at the community college (thassa lotta weirdos!).

i dedicate this blog post to the magical powers of marijuana and mel brooks, my dates for this beautiful friday night! ttyl!!!!!!

i don't think i've seen a classier photo.

not tiredddddddd.

or maybe tired but can't sleep.

must lie down.

will lie down.

wish the bed weren't so big.

washed my hair today.

thick like a horse's mane.

unruly.

time for a cut.

smoking a lot of cigarettes, weed,

drinking a lot of sweet tea.

it does the trick.

been flirting with a man 14 years my senior.

used to work with him.

used to fantasize about fucking in the supply closet.

not anymore.

not attracted to him because his personality is lacking,

but i miss kissing.

that is probably dangerous territory, a slippery slope.

lips lips lips.

don't worry i won't do anything bad.

mama didn't raise no floozy. 

or maybe she did.

can't sleep.

want to sleep.

can't.

worried about living,

worried about situations,

and mostly,

worried about my living situation.

my situation of living!

tough egg to crack.

there are decisions to be made.

oh dear oh dear oh dear.

what to do what to do what to do.

been thinking about everything a lot lately.

i do that a lot.

think.

about everything.

my mind is too big for my mind,

and everything is too big for my everything.

must sleep.

goodnight.

oh, billie.

my roommate told me he's moving, and that he'll probably be gone this month. this means i've gotta move. my stepdad owns this apartment and doesn't make any money off of me -- so i've gotta go so he can get some real tenants in here.

i thought about moving back in with my parents and sister, but my parents don't know about any of my tattoos (or the septum piercing), of which i have enough to make concealing them all at all times a hassle and something i wouldn't be able to get away with for very long. coming out of the body modification closet to my parents will be difficult and i'm not sure when i'll do it or how they'll react.

so i'm opting to move.

i don't know where.

i don't have any friends, so i don't know how quickly i'll be able to find something.

i need someplace cheap, easy, nearby so i can still go to school. and someplace i can hole myself up in and smoke weed and continue with my hermit ways.

i'm glad for the catalyst and the change, but still a little worried.

CRAIG,

THE EPISODE WHERE KRAMER TURNS HIS APARTMENT INTO THE MERV GRIFFIN SHOW AND JERRY DRUGS HIS GIRLFRIEND SO HE CAN PLAY WITH HER TOYS AND ELAINE TRIES TO SIDLE THE SIDLER AND GEORGE MAKES A DEAL WITH PIGEONS? i am watching it now and jesus christ is it a fantastic episode. 

"got any booze? what's say you and i get ripped?!"

wish you were here! XOXO jane

p.s. also i think in this episode, george responds to an insult by saying "zing!" that is crazy! -j

p.p.s. "this is our new format: scandals and animals!"

so i ate earlier, smoked some weed, sat around and watched tv. now i'm winding down, getting tired, hungry but i don't wanna eat and sleep immediately afterward, you know. thinking i'll just go to sleep.

but then i remember it's sunday and new adult swim is on! god bless the cartoon network. season finale of robot chicken? fuck yeah i'm gonna get high and get something to eat, who cares if i'm alone! fuck you i'll stay in my pajamas all day!

i think i am watching an all new episode of the simpsons.

it is so bizarre to see the simpson family using a gps chip in a cell phone to keep tabs on bart, and SO bizarre to see them using "tracking software" on a laptop to follow the chip, which bart had so cleverly removed from the cell phone and tied to the leg of a bird (the only thing i found funny was the tameness of this wild bird!).

so bizarre.

a few things:

1. god bless gene roddenberry.

2. god bless my little red rice cooker.

3. god bless my korean ancestry.

4. i'm watching this human body special on the discovery channel and the miraculousness of the human body is overwhelming. and i've only watched the part on eyes!!!! optical illusions get me panicky.

5. i mostly like the word panicky because of the spelling. so sue me.

6. one of the things i appreciate about virginia beach is the decent ratio of cloudy days to clear. i love clouds - big and small, stormy or benign, i love 'em all - but i also love a good ol' clear blue sky from time to time. you understand. there's a nice balance here.

7. sometimes i like feeling close to the earth. i like looking up at the sky and seeing trees in my peripheral; i'm comforted by the knowledge that their roots have a strong hold in the ground i stand on, you know? i feel enveloped, protected. but when you have a sense of the snugness, you sacrifice the horizon. if you're surrounded by trees you can't see where the sky meets the Earth.

8. this is one thing i feel i need in my life: horizon. but i need it in doses, cycles, periods of years. i miss the desert and it's been too long since i've felt that surge in my heart -- it's like there's a little space in my chest where i keep a vial of pure desert air and it seeps into my blood throughout the years, supplements me. i need to refill it, recharge it, kick things up again. 

9. oh autumn i'm so glad you're here. i can't wait to use the fireplace again.

hairston, i was in the shower, call me back.

friday night is just like all the others! i'm spending it by myself. which, you know, isn't that bad. solitude is interesting. and even if it isn't, i'm tired of complaining about being lonely. maybe i'm not. maybe i'm just not used to being alone. i don't know if i'm adjusting well. it's getting colder and this makes me the only warm body in the apartment. the heat and noise from the dryer keeps me company, sometimes.

the crickets are getting quieter.

i'm not like other people and this is kind of a disturbing thought. people may think i'm awkward and weird in the same way that i think other people are awkward and weird!

oh well. forget it, jane. forget it!!!!

jane, you are really great at making an idiot of yourself. -jane.

Candy
Is dandy
But liquor
Is quicker.

- Ogden Nash (1902 - 1971)

nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothning ntohing nthong nothying notyhing nothying nothing nothing nothing nogthing nothing nothing nothing!

hello october 1st.