i think this is great.

oh i wish i could rewind, but there's no going back, is there? only forward forward forward and it's so tiresome. i'm avoiding it all i can, i guess. i don't know what my heart is doing but i don't like it, i don't like feeling out of control, i don't want it. this is all bullshit but i'm telling myself it helps. nothing has changed! will it ever?

THERE IS NO OBLIVION (SONATA) by Pablo Neruda, transl. by Donald D. Walsh

If you ask me where I have been

I must say, "It so happens."

I must speak of the ground that the stones darken,

of the river that enduring is destroyed:

I know only the things that the birds lose,

the sea left behind, or my sister weeping.

Why so many regions, why does a day

join a day? Why does a black night

gather in the mouth? Why dead people?

If you ask me where I come from, I have to converse with broken things,

with utensils bitter to excess,

with great beasts frequently rotted,

and with my anguished heart.

Those that have crossed paths are not memories

nor is the yellowish dove that sleeps in oblivion,

they are faces with tears,

fingers at the throat,

and what falls down from the leaves:

the darkness of a day gone by,

of a day nourished with our sad blood.

Here are violets, swallows,

everything that pleases us and that appears 

in the sweet calling cards

around which stroll time and sweetness.

But let us not penetrate beyond those teeth,

let us not bite the shells that silence gathers,

because I do not know what to answer:

there are so many dead,

so many seawalls that the red sun split,

and so many heads that beat against the ships,

and so many hands that have cradled kisses,

and so many things that I want to forget.

i feel something changing! oh, hurry hurry!

i want one of these so bad it hurts my heart.

music boxes may be my biggest weakness. throw one in a vintage hardcover and it could pretty much kill me.

i had a lot typed out but it's all gone with three keys: Command-A, delete. it's a beautiful thing. my cats are funny, but you already knew that. it worries me how much other people know about me, but i guess it really shouldn't. who gives a fuck? i don't care if you read this!

do i?!

i feel like a waste of space.

i forgot to post these pictures of my cats wearing bowties:

hildegard

alfredo

aren't you glad i remembered?

caffeine, nicotine, adderall, philosophy homework, stop watching the cats play, stop thinking about smoking weed, stop looking at beautiful things, get to work!

craig j.w.,

JOYEUX ANNIVERSAIRE!

je t'aime!

winter in virginia beach gets more miserable every year. it is especially miserable this year because I AM NOT DOING SHIT. second-floor apartment fever.

weed, my cats, and netflix help alleviate some of the pain. the roomie offers some human interaction.

my fingers keep busy and my mind is planning but i'm not content.

alcohol is a lubricant of many things.

how can i be getting happier and more miserable at the same time?

my cats are doing fine, thanks. they run around the house and play tag like kids, it's cute to see. i'm in love with them.

i've got an electric blanket. it's gonna treat me real good tonight.

i think that's all i've got to say.

it is so cold outside and so cold inside. weatherman says it'll warm up soon so the heat is staying off. instead i'm wearing a thousand layers, lying in front of fires, huddling under blankets.

the cats are getting bigger, i think. growing before my very eyes. this is probably not exciting to anyone but me. 

i hate how cold my hands get.

living with new roomie is fun. we've been cooking a lot; shrimp scampi the other night was amazing. i want sarah to move in, sleep on the couch, and get an orange cat. i think there's room for one more cat. and i want an orange one. ok.

i need a job real bad. but i have no desire to hunt for one. i would just like these sort of things to fall into my lap, ok? i'm sick and tired of everything, i'm real cold, and still ill. not still ill in a morrissey kind of way, but literally STILL ILL - sniffling, sneezing, coughing. alcohol, cigarettes, and weed don't help BUT HELL I'LL TAKE 'EM ANYWAYS.

i feel great.

we would have great sex.

it's november 15th and that means the month is half gone. it feels like it just started.

got weed and got liquor, got books and got a few friends. i'm ok.

i wish i had feathers to tie in my hair.

fall is settling in nicely.

out of money, out of liquor, out of weed, out of patience.

i am so GODDAMN angry and my hands are cold and i don't know what to do with myself.

everything is weird. i don't know who i am or what i want because i want so many things, there's no way i could fit them all into one life, right? how do i get started? i feel stuck and bored where i am, but too lazy and apathetic to do anything about it. do i care? i don't know. all i care about is this last bit of whiskey i'm drinking.

i don't want to go to school. it's not fun anymore. nothing is fun anymore. i cannot find a job. or rather, one will not fall into my lap. i need friends around me and i'm glad i've got a few. i am falling more and more in love with hildegard and alfredo everyday. i never thought i'd be a cat person, but i guess you just have to meet the right ones.

i do not regret typing that.

i miss friends i haven't seen in months and years. i feel as though i need them back in my life. i do not miss my ex and do not want to be friends with him, i think the transition from boyfriend to friend is too hard for me to handle. i am awkward, all big hands and tiny tools, i can't get shit done.

i dwell.

i guess i do. i don't feel it, though. i used to think i knew myself, but more and more often lately i've been stepping out of my body and trying to see me the way others do. this is such a fascinating and fucking useless activity. i feel my levels adjusting everyday.

life is weird. i read watership down when the house is quiet and the sun shines through my window and i climb through the pages and escape. when everything is beautiful i sit on the porch and listen to the birds chirp and read walt whitman's leaves of grass. when i am miserable or horny or angry or desperate i smoke cigarettes and read arthur rimbaud and it restores a certain amount of poetic order to the world. i like options.

my coughing has been ridiculous lately. i can't speak without wheezing, i can't breathe without hacking, i'm chugging mint blue cough syrup like it doesn't taste like gum spit. my body is pissed that i keep subjecting my lungs to illegal and unhealthy inhalants. BUT OH WELL.

oh weird, my birthday is in a month and a half or so. has it been a year already? i'm ready for 2009.

i need money really bad and it sickens me. fuck credit cards, fuck bills, fuck jobs. money is a game and it pisses me off that i have to play.

sarah says whiskey makes me mean!

whiskey drinks, camel turkish golds, smoke weed everyday, the weather has been dreadful the last few days, the wind throws rain against the vinyl siding and the sun never bothers to clear away the clouds, they just sit there, cold and gray. i've been coughing a lot, i've got a cold i can't shake. i take medicines here and there: blue cough syrup, some zicam up my nose, an allergy pill everyday to keep the sniffles away, i don't take the medications i've been prescribed, this worries Those Who Care About Me but i figure i've got the rest of my life to spend on prescription drugs, right? not to mention i am happy now and this is what i want now and now is the only thing that matters, i could give a shit about the future. i lied i do give a shit about the future but only because i can do what the fuck i want with it. i can't believe barack obama will be president. this is huge and i'm so excited about the country taking a turn. both senators from virginia are democrats for the first time since 1970 i think. this is huge. you should have seen me dance and squeal on election night. i don't give a shit about democrats but the change is exciting. haven't been to a few of my classes in a while, i can't be bothered. i'll admit i don't give a shit about statistics; i can stand philosophy but sometimes i want to stop talking about it and feel it happen.

this is what i want to be able to do.

all beer is disgusting.

the thing that makes one beer better than the other: the amount of time it takes for the beer to go from disgusting to delicious.

that makes sense, right?

it shore does.

(shore does, sure does? WEIRD.)

a tale of two kitties.

i've wasted a lot of time taking pictures of my cats, wishing i had editing software, looking at pictures of my cats, trying to decide how best to display pictures of my cats on the internet, thinking about how there are way too many pictures of people's cats on the internet, thinking about how i don't care, my cats are awesome.

i got some brick but it ain't the same as the lemons!

i live a lazy life. i don't care. i feel full of piss and vinegar, but fluffy at the same time. i am angry and frustrated but totally alright with everything. except everything i say seems to be the exact opposite of what i feel. i am constantly at odds with myself, like i'm made of the wrong sides of magnets, nothing connects, just repels itself. WHAT.

funny how i wish i were more alone right now.

i am such a rabbit:

Positive: The Rabbit can be sensitive, tactful. home-loving, refined, prudent, discreet, long-living, ambitious, cultured, well-mannered, artistic, considerate, scholarly, suave, graciously hospitable, modest and unimpeachably virtuous.

Negative: The Rabbit can also be snobbish, secretive, pedantic, complicated, haughtily indifferent, self-indulgent, hypochondriacal, punctilious, judgemental, self-righteous, deceptive, self-centred and terminally condescending.

chinese astrology really gets me.

RIGHT NOW I AM THIRTEEN: I AM DANCING BY MYSELF AROUND MY BEDROOM, LISTENING TO BIKINI KILL.

I TYPE BIG BECAUSE MY THOUGHTS ARE LOUD.

(click for the full image.)

this is hildegard:


this is alfredo:


this is alfredo in a bag:

maybe i feel this way because "une saison en enfer" was published this month in 1873; maybe i feel this way because he was born on october 20 and died on november 10. maybe i feel this way because this truly is A SEASON IN HELL. i am growing more and more in love with arthur rimbaud.

fuck me and fuck my life.

this is where i'd rather be: flying over fields of tulips in the netherlands.

it's an interesting transition i'm making from the kind of girl who wants everybody to like her to the kind of girl who just doesn't give a shit. i can feel the wires in me rerouting and the lights clicking on an off like i have some sort of computer-generated intelligence that is adjusting itself and learning through trial and error. like a baby robot.

i can feel the doubt and jealousy and regret trying to seep in; there's a hole in my hardware somewhere. i can feel it like acid, melting away pieces of my hardened technology, but i can feel myself healing, fusing together, creating a stronger bond than was there before. but i don't know how long this will last.

my therapist would say these are red flags, she would recommend i hop back on prozac. but here's where it comes around again, full circle: I DON'T GIVE A SHIT.

the sun and sky are hidden behind clouds today, so i'll feel incomplete and out of whack all day. mentally limping. all i want to do is go back to sleep.

RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG.

this is alfredo, sleeping in my lap right now. hilde is sleeping on my bed. cute.

well, today i feel shitty. still sick.

i also paid $50 to some website for the shittiest essay/paper i've ever seen. 

i can't believe i did that.

i also can't believe that i didn't start writing the geography paper that's due tonight when it was assigned six weeks ago.

i guess i just don't give a shit.

the class is only three grades: test, paper, and a presentation on the paper.

if i don't do it, i fail the course.

if i fail the course, it's money down the drain.

the question is: do i care?

money, grades? what is this shit? GIVE ME SOMETHING REAL.

i'll just hang with my cats.

that is absolutely out of control.

in other news, today i have two teenage kittens. they are a brother and sister duo named ALFREDO and HILDEGARD, respectively, after a pair of muppets that appeared once on muppets tonight, season 3 episode 9. yeah i did my research. names are important. i expect to call them fredo and hilde for short.

they are adjusting nicely. it is fun to watch them run around and tackle each other. now this apartment doesn't feel so empty.

now i am going to go by my parents' house and pick up some corned beef and cabbage with boiled potatoes they made for dinner and set aside for me. YUM.

there is a roommate prospect, and i should be getting weed tonight!

things are looking up!

more deets and possibly some photos later.

i want to marry tyler florence. and then fuck his brains out.

on a completely unrelated note, i think i watch too much tv.

nice to be around friends today. feelin' sicker'n hell but i'm coping. looking forward to curling up under my blanket tonight, holding myself for warmth. it should heat up this week, forecast says it'll be 73 degrees tomorrow. i'm on the lookout for boots -- i need no-nonsense, ass-kicking boots. but mostly i need something thicker and warmer for my tootsies. the cold bites my ankles. i believe i'm dropping acid this week, that should be fun. i'm looking forward to a change of pace.

i think i've got a full-blown cold now. i'm sneezing and coughing and feeling pretty crappy. i went to my parents' house for dinner and my stepdad had a new bottle of cough syrup waiting for me. what a sweet guy. it is neon blue in color, looks radioactive, tastes minty. my mother and i had a laugh about how much i hated drinking cough syrup when i was little, how i would dance around and whine and complain before drinking it, how she would have to yell at me to get it down, how much i hated the taste, how my face would scrunch up and i would scramble for a drink to wash it down.

anyways it's funny because i still do that -- dance around and whine before drinking it -- and i didn't know how to react when i swallowed this radioactive-lookin' stuff and it didn't taste horrible. it tasted like your spit when you're chewing gum. maybe this means i'm growing up. probably not.

my buddies just left and the apartment is empty. all i can hear is the ticking and tocking of the two analog clocks in my bedroom. they are on opposite sides of the room and they tick at different intervals. sometimes i love it, sometimes i hate it. but either way it's all i hear.

i'd like a big bong hit right now, a big mug of hot chocolate with lots of little marshmallows, a big fire crackling in my little fireplace. 

i'd like a lot of things and i'm worried about everything and i just wish i could stay warm.

funny how i can go weeks without talking to anyone, seeing anyone, hanging out with anyone. then all in one weekend i get friends from out of town staying at my apartment, friends i used to work with texting me, etc etc. feast or famine, right? RIGHT.

well, it's nice to have living souls around to make noise and share my air with. but the sun hasn't been out for two days and it's cold, rainy. my hands are perpetually cold and there's something clawing at the back of my throat. it's hard to enjoy anything when you're worried -- and i am worried! i am worried and lonely, there's that fucking word again, lonely even though i haven't been alone.

i need to find someplace to live. i've been revisiting craigslist, refreshing pages, sending emails, getting no responses. it's stupid and frustrating and i wish i had a dog to curl up in bed with me, to take for a walk. 

maybe it's just because my hands are cold.

i need to get out!!!!!

maybe that's what i need.

i don't mean being blind.

i mean having a tiny pony WEARING SNEAKERS that will accompany me around town.

a few things:

1. finding a place to live is hard. i want a dog. i want to move across country. i want the west coast.

2. i own at least ten scarves (with four in the process of being knat -- i don't care about that squiggly red line underneath that word. they're not being knitted, they're being knat.). is that too many for one person? i don't care. i love them all and i need more.

3. roommate and his parents moved some of his crap out of the apartment today. his mother asked me to clean his room when everything's out. i would've refused, if they hadn't kindly left behind one of their tvs for my living room. i also tried very hard not to warn them against letting their son move in with his girlfriend. TROUBLE WAITING TO HAPPEN.

4. thank science for painkillers.

i think that's all i've got. wait.

5. my stomach hurts a lot. i don't mean a lot. i mean often. my stomach hurts regularly. my eating schedule is fucked. but who the fuck cares! i sure don't.

6. i don't have weed.

7. i wish i had alcohol.

boohoo i'm out of weed. :(

secondhand smoke.

i am probably giving all the little crickets on my porch tiny lung cancer.

trying hard to convince myself there is no universal conspiracy against me.

ok, i find quick solace from the troubles of my miserable life in this:

also, there's a version on youtube with a BABY in SUNGLASSES, which is practically a recipe for uproarious laughter, at least for me. but jesus i will laugh at anything.

for instance:

fuck this, i'm going back to bed.

i am just so goddamn angry. maybe it's because i'm reading watership down but i feel like stamping my feet, dashing away, scratching holes to disappear into the earth. 

i have to get out of here! i'm done with everyone i know here - they all dislike me for reasons that are UNKNOWN to me and i am way too angry about EVERYTHING to remain civil much longer!

plus i can't sleep but i'm so tired. SO SICK AND TIRED.

ok enough.

p.s. this fucking drama bullshit is for kids! somebody show me where the adults hang, for christ's sake! i'm just tryin' to CHILL, man.

i've had a best friend all my life. i can count seven, not including my sister, who fills the gaps between. i call these people best friends, but not in a dollar store sterling silver Best Friends split heart charm bracelet sort of way. when i say best friend i mean we spent every moment we could by each other's side, we were in sync, we thought the same things, never fought, always laughed. two halves of one whole. natural, completely comfortable. do you know what i mean? have you experienced it?

am i programmed to be like this? did something happen to me early on in my childhood that shaped me, taught me to befriend and cling to and absorb into another person this way? did i witness some pre-divorce fight and find permanent solace in a kindred soul? did i inherit my father's addiction to escapism as well as his depression? or did i observe and emulate? or is every human like this? is it a natural, physical, biological drive to want to be close to another being, or is it a psychological, sociological urge? is it physiology or philosophy? nature or nurture? 

this has been quite the epiphany i've had. it's odd -- odd because it's not all sunshine and butterflies like most epiphanies, odd because i don't know what to do with it. i don't know if i like this quality i've discovered in myself. does this behavior of mine enhance my life, or detract from it?

i'll sit on it.

in other news, i've spent FOREVER trying to spit out what i wanted to say. now i will clear my head.

in a burst of boredom-fueled energy, i cleaned my room (to an extent)! i can now see more floor in my bedroom, more than i've seen since i moved in. threw out the last of ex-boyfriend's crap, put my crap in the spaces where his crap used to be. 

god i have a lot of crap.

i want SO BADLY to purge myself of all, or most, of my possessions. i would like to own only a few things. but for many, many reasons (i won't go into my ideas about why i'm like this, and believe me, i've got 'em -- my brain is SO exhausted from trying to evaluate myself so much) i am a mostly-messy crap-collecting packrat.

but anyways i vacuumed. 

when i started writing this, i made a note for myself at the bottom of the page. this was it:

everything is beautiful right now.

i mention this only because i'd like to offer an update. now everything is dark.

porn for my ears.

mother-of-pearl magnolia flower inlay plug, $100 a pair [my size out of stock]:

pearl teardrop lotus flower plug, $52 a pair [my size out of stock]:

ammonite fossil plug, $400 a pair:

horn with engraved amber stork/blossom plug, $210 a pair:

chiapas amber carved flowers, $580 a pair:

any of these, too.

siiiiiiiigh.

what i am thinking is that if i died, nobody would notice for days. days.*

strange!!!

time to get stoned.

my life is sad. i am sad.

my hair smells incredible.

i love italics.

*this is not a plea for help or sympathy. just an observation.

weed tv weed tv weed tv weed tv weeeddddd tv tv tv weed.

oh my godddddd jeff goldblum is joining the cast of a law and order?!?!

a reason to live!!!!

i have never FELT and BEEN (at the same time) so alone in my life.

it's such an interesting feeling.

i wish i could stop thinking.

we just watched the michael moore movie sicko in my weekend geography course and now i'm mostly sad, partly angry. i feel conflicted, overwhelmed, unsure whether to go into FIGHT or FLIGHT mode. part of me wants to fight, part of me wants to flee!

i could make an awesome expat.

whoops, gotta go.

needless to say, i'm looking forward to going home, getting stoned, cooking myself a delicious turkey burger (whole wheat bun, juicy tomatoes, crisp lettuce) and some delicious oven-baked fries (with garlic seasoning), with some delicious fresh-brewed sweet tea.

oh man oh man. i can't wait to get out of here.

a normal person might be upset about spending ANOTHER friday night at home alone,

but tonight, at 10 PM,

on AMC,

HISTORY OF THE WORLD: PART I.

so no,

this weekend i'm perfectly ok with it.

because i'm weird.

now i have to leave and spend four hours in a classroom with a bunch of other weirdos taking weekend courses at the community college (thassa lotta weirdos!).

i dedicate this blog post to the magical powers of marijuana and mel brooks, my dates for this beautiful friday night! ttyl!!!!!!

i don't think i've seen a classier photo.

not tiredddddddd.

or maybe tired but can't sleep.

must lie down.

will lie down.

wish the bed weren't so big.

washed my hair today.

thick like a horse's mane.

unruly.

time for a cut.

smoking a lot of cigarettes, weed,

drinking a lot of sweet tea.

it does the trick.

been flirting with a man 14 years my senior.

used to work with him.

used to fantasize about fucking in the supply closet.

not anymore.

not attracted to him because his personality is lacking,

but i miss kissing.

that is probably dangerous territory, a slippery slope.

lips lips lips.

don't worry i won't do anything bad.

mama didn't raise no floozy. 

or maybe she did.

can't sleep.

want to sleep.

can't.

worried about living,

worried about situations,

and mostly,

worried about my living situation.

my situation of living!

tough egg to crack.

there are decisions to be made.

oh dear oh dear oh dear.

what to do what to do what to do.

been thinking about everything a lot lately.

i do that a lot.

think.

about everything.

my mind is too big for my mind,

and everything is too big for my everything.

must sleep.

goodnight.

oh, billie.

my roommate told me he's moving, and that he'll probably be gone this month. this means i've gotta move. my stepdad owns this apartment and doesn't make any money off of me -- so i've gotta go so he can get some real tenants in here.

i thought about moving back in with my parents and sister, but my parents don't know about any of my tattoos (or the septum piercing), of which i have enough to make concealing them all at all times a hassle and something i wouldn't be able to get away with for very long. coming out of the body modification closet to my parents will be difficult and i'm not sure when i'll do it or how they'll react.

so i'm opting to move.

i don't know where.

i don't have any friends, so i don't know how quickly i'll be able to find something.

i need someplace cheap, easy, nearby so i can still go to school. and someplace i can hole myself up in and smoke weed and continue with my hermit ways.

i'm glad for the catalyst and the change, but still a little worried.

CRAIG,

THE EPISODE WHERE KRAMER TURNS HIS APARTMENT INTO THE MERV GRIFFIN SHOW AND JERRY DRUGS HIS GIRLFRIEND SO HE CAN PLAY WITH HER TOYS AND ELAINE TRIES TO SIDLE THE SIDLER AND GEORGE MAKES A DEAL WITH PIGEONS? i am watching it now and jesus christ is it a fantastic episode. 

"got any booze? what's say you and i get ripped?!"

wish you were here! XOXO jane

p.s. also i think in this episode, george responds to an insult by saying "zing!" that is crazy! -j

p.p.s. "this is our new format: scandals and animals!"

so i ate earlier, smoked some weed, sat around and watched tv. now i'm winding down, getting tired, hungry but i don't wanna eat and sleep immediately afterward, you know. thinking i'll just go to sleep.

but then i remember it's sunday and new adult swim is on! god bless the cartoon network. season finale of robot chicken? fuck yeah i'm gonna get high and get something to eat, who cares if i'm alone! fuck you i'll stay in my pajamas all day!

i think i am watching an all new episode of the simpsons.

it is so bizarre to see the simpson family using a gps chip in a cell phone to keep tabs on bart, and SO bizarre to see them using "tracking software" on a laptop to follow the chip, which bart had so cleverly removed from the cell phone and tied to the leg of a bird (the only thing i found funny was the tameness of this wild bird!).

so bizarre.

a few things:

1. god bless gene roddenberry.

2. god bless my little red rice cooker.

3. god bless my korean ancestry.

4. i'm watching this human body special on the discovery channel and the miraculousness of the human body is overwhelming. and i've only watched the part on eyes!!!! optical illusions get me panicky.

5. i mostly like the word panicky because of the spelling. so sue me.

6. one of the things i appreciate about virginia beach is the decent ratio of cloudy days to clear. i love clouds - big and small, stormy or benign, i love 'em all - but i also love a good ol' clear blue sky from time to time. you understand. there's a nice balance here.

7. sometimes i like feeling close to the earth. i like looking up at the sky and seeing trees in my peripheral; i'm comforted by the knowledge that their roots have a strong hold in the ground i stand on, you know? i feel enveloped, protected. but when you have a sense of the snugness, you sacrifice the horizon. if you're surrounded by trees you can't see where the sky meets the Earth.

8. this is one thing i feel i need in my life: horizon. but i need it in doses, cycles, periods of years. i miss the desert and it's been too long since i've felt that surge in my heart -- it's like there's a little space in my chest where i keep a vial of pure desert air and it seeps into my blood throughout the years, supplements me. i need to refill it, recharge it, kick things up again. 

9. oh autumn i'm so glad you're here. i can't wait to use the fireplace again.

hairston, i was in the shower, call me back.

friday night is just like all the others! i'm spending it by myself. which, you know, isn't that bad. solitude is interesting. and even if it isn't, i'm tired of complaining about being lonely. maybe i'm not. maybe i'm just not used to being alone. i don't know if i'm adjusting well. it's getting colder and this makes me the only warm body in the apartment. the heat and noise from the dryer keeps me company, sometimes.

the crickets are getting quieter.

i'm not like other people and this is kind of a disturbing thought. people may think i'm awkward and weird in the same way that i think other people are awkward and weird!

oh well. forget it, jane. forget it!!!!

jane, you are really great at making an idiot of yourself. -jane.

Candy
Is dandy
But liquor
Is quicker.

- Ogden Nash (1902 - 1971)

nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothning ntohing nthong nothying notyhing nothying nothing nothing nothing nogthing nothing nothing nothing!

hello october 1st.

got stoned, ate a burger with fries and a coke, watched great satisfying tv with appropriate amounts of interestingness and humor, now i'm going to smoke a great satisfying cigarette with appropriate amounts of turkish tobaccos out on the porch, which offers a perfect view of the west and northwest parts of the sky, where a sun happens to be setting, flanked by fast moving and retreating storm clouds that, just minutes before, had been directly overhead, filling the world with water. thanks universe.

edited to add: that was incredible. but sad because that picture was worth more than a thousand words -- probably around 40,000 -- and there is just too much for me to explain! but the bottom line is: you have to be here now to have appreciated it, and i'm the only one in the world who is right here right now. see what i mean about too many words? i am lonely and need a friend now. i am sad.

i am just so angry and bitter and frustrated and exasperated and lonely and alone it hurts.

what did i do today? well, i woke up and chose to miss class, rather than show up late. started smoking weed before noon, ate a lot of crap, sipped a little vodka with juice, smoked a few cigarettes, jerked it while listening to WE SOLD OUR SOUL FOR ROCK 'N' ROLL, came during "sabbath bloody sabbath," now i'm going to smoke some more, drink some more, eat some more.

then sleep and repeat.

yeah, i should sleep. but i can't. happens a lot.

i live on the second floor and there are no blinds on the big windows in the dining area/kitchen so anybody who wants to watch me in my kitchen has a GREAT view. i mention this because if there is somebody watching me, i bet they're thinking to themselves about now, why is this woman standing in her kitchen all the time, she looks this way and that way, she turns the light off, walks away, comes back, turns it on, stares, what is she doing? 

i don't know what i'm doing! maybe it's a nervous tic(k -- an anxious bug?), you know. like a dog gets when its owner's away, but on their way back (what humans can hear from one mile, a dog can hear from four, also their noses are THOUSANDS of times more sensitive than ours, IMAGINE!), and they start acting all funny, running to the door, to the window, to the door, to the window, waiting waitwaitwait and you're like what are you doing you crazy dog! and then you hear the car pull into the driveway and you know what i'm talking about? i'm that dog! back and forth, staring, whining, waiting.

what am i waiting for!

Googlism for: jane

jane is boring?
jane is her name
jane is no crime
jane is a stupid communistic traitor bitch
jane is moving
jane is boring"
jane is a veteran
jane is betty page

jane is over rated
jane is a screaming girl

jane is attempting to walk across the street
jane is the times cook of the week
jane is back
jane is an independent missionary
jane is scooting her hosting

jane is too ill to move
jane is coming back
jane is a sweet girl
jane is better than natalie
jane is fun
jane is a heart breaker
jane is licked by every end porno inside

jane is not
jane is boring"
jane is one hot model
jane is 101

jane is black and she loves to ride the sybian whenever her husband
jane is no longer being produced
jane is strong
jane is doing a sponsored cycle in iceland in support of the "national eczema society" 

jane is performing on norwegian cruise line's ship norwegian sun
jane is treated like a servant by the guests

jane is just jealous

jane is licked by every end
jane is able to finally return to rochester as an independent woman
jane is offering arts in education programs in the schools on installation art and papermaking

jane is a compelling
jane is a superhero that can use her special strength
jane is
jane is portrayed as a survivor
jane is an image
jane is blessed with a large vocal range
jane is big with death

jane is an orphan who is at first raised by her aunt
jane is licked by every end doing some ass pounding young amateur lesbian teens asian model spreads pussy
jane is indomitable;
jane is a
jane is also a member of the following professional associations
jane is not just a novelist

jane is one of a large family comprising seven girls and five boys of which she is the eldest
jane is sent to gateshead to live with her father's sister
jane is developing practical life skills
jane is a must for your next poetry reading or gay event

jane is listed in the census as living by herself

jane is the girl next door
jane is admittedly effective at doing most of what it attempts
jane is no longer a "pale little elf" but a "little sunny

jane is dismayed to find that she is falling for a man so bent on starting another
jane is my name
jane is a delight both to work with and to learn from
jane is as a baby in her mother's arms
jane is in a high risk group
jane is 17 years old and has down syndrome

jane is the title character of the iron dragon's daughter
jane is finally freed from persecution and enjoys more humane
jane is up to
jane is a lesbian

jane is skilled with a horse and handles a gun like a master gunslinger
jane is robin to daria's batman
jane is better than natalie
jane is her name
jane is boring?
jane is in the garden
jane is fun

jane is woman
jane is boring"

jane is naughty again
jane is talking to you

jane is no ‘couch’ potato
jane is gone
jane is strong
jane is black and has super
jane is spending $12m to find out why
jane is a hot mama
jane is no crime
jane is such a sweet thing
jane is here
jane is not the only one who likes dick

jane is it really that bad?
jane is still jane
jane is not
jane is in the hospital

jane is a sweet girl
jane is a longlegged goodlooking brunette

jane is boring? jane is her name jane is moving jane is licked by every
jane is a horrifying character who seethes with the rage of a spoiled child baby jane is mediocre through baby jane is arrested baby jane is amusing baby
jane is boring"

jane is a compelling

jane is a superhero that can use her special strength
jane is just jealous
jane is the token estrogen in the band
jane is indomitable;
jane is already an outsider in middle class society

jane is
jane is also a member of the following professional associations
jane is a college graduate
jane is blessed with a large vocal range

jane is trying to find her dream man
jane is a series of three 20

jane is an image

jane is feeling 'burning and fiery'
jane is a great supervisor
jane is in a high risk group

jane is admittedly effective at doing most of what it attempts

jane is not visiting
jane is developing practical life skills
jane is a model

jane is representing more and

jane is whisked away to neverland by captain hook and his pirates
jane is the girl next door
jane is the emotionally charged and ultimately uplifting story of an extraordinary woman coming to terms with her imminent death

Bless us, O Lord, for these Thy drugs, which we are about to receive from Thy waterless gravity bong. Through Christ our Lord we pray. Amen.

i think that's hilarious. well, maybe not hilarious. clever. i just find enjoyment in it. imagine! enjoyment in things! pleasure is the spice of life. taking advantage of these wonderful senses we have -- incredible! if i were a believer i'd thank god. but thank god i'm not! i hate god. what i love is the universe, and everything in it. we're a crazy combination of stardust and excited molecules, oh my it's too much for my head right now!

some things i'm excited about: new adult swim tonight, the weed i'm about to smoke, raindrops, talking on the phone with my friend/one of the greatest people i've ever met (P.S. MAKE IT A HABIT, JIMMY JAMZ.), clean towels, pumpkin pie spice coffee creamer, nag champa incense, scarves.

color.

b&w.

there are many things in this world that i appreciate, love, and adore -- towards the top of this ever-expanding list is a little thing i like to call SEXUALLY EXPLICIT IMAGERY. here are a few black and white photos that i like and didn't want to spend the time individually adding to my tumblr (which i still cherish and post to). so here they are. i will be following with a post of sexy color images next.

CRAIG, I WISH YOU WERE HERE. I AM STONED AND WATCHING THIS. IMAGINE!

question: will drinking alcohol and smoking weed make my headache go away?

answer: i don't know, let's try it out!

edited to add: YEP, DID THE TRICK.

r.i.p.

i'm sad that paul newman died.
i'm sick of people dying. (that is, people i don't know but i like anyways.)

here are some of my favorite photos of a young paul newman which i am posting here for the world's enjoyment, but mostly mine. also i may jerk off to them later -- just to say my goodbyes and to properly pay my respects, of course. i suggest you do the same.

here is a brooding and rebellious, devil-may-care paul newman:

here is a shirtless paul newman:


and, finally, this one is my favorite BECAUSE YOU CAN SEE HIS DICK: