a month until i leave virginia indefinitely. i'm supposed to be moved out of this apartment and into my parents' house in two weeks. there are still posters on my walls, maybe i should take them down so i can feel a little farther along in the moving process than i actually am. my roommates are supposed to be moved out by the 31st but neither of them have so much as packed a box. i'm barely dealing with the anxiety my own ineptitude drowns me in, and fucking panic overwhelms me if i don't think about the right things. let me make a list.

td:
-find a home for my cats, craigslist seems like the most viable option. it hurts me to think about.
-stop spending money, utilize what food i have in the kitchen.
-be ruthless in the sorting and giving away of clothes and books.
-get rid of my furniture, dvds, video games. again craigslist seems like the easiest way to go. is there any way to make money of them? i don't know.
-CLEAN CLEAN CLEAN. steam the carpets, paint the walls, scrub the crevices.
-get luggage, fill it with only things i need.

DON'T PANIC.

i'm bitch but i can't help it. i wish you were near me, as selfish as that is. i told you i can't help it.

today is jack kerouac's birthday.

i haven't had any meat, save for some sushi and shrimp, in almost a month and a half. this isn't a big deal, just the first steps towards full-fledged raw food veganism. thought i'd make a note of it.

i'm not taking enough notes, i'll have to start that.

shark attacks are at their lowest in five years thanks to the economy. less vacations, less shark snacks dangling in the sea.

all my clothes are clean, it took me a few loads. most of them are folded and now i have to divide them up into these categories: keep and take with me, keep and store here, sell, donate/trash. i have to do this with all of my belongings, actually, and i sure as fuck am putting it off as long as possible. i'm not good at deciding. also not good at selling. and i hate to waste things.

MINIMALISM, will it work for a sentimental and indecisive sap like me? who knows.

i can't wait until this bubble of depression breaks. until i break it! it's only a matter of time, and place.

i'm drinking a lot of water. and probably more whiskey than i should.

r.i.p. biggie & hank.

Notorious B.I.G. - Party & Bullshit
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"sway with me" by charles bukowski

sway with me, everything sad --
madmen in stone houses
without doors,
lepers steaming love and song
frogs trying to figure
the sky;
sway with me, sad things --
fingers split on a forge
old age like breakfast shell
used books, used people
used flowers, used love
I need you
I need you
I need you:
it has run away
like a horse or a dog,
dead or lost
or unforgiving.

and a family fucking heirloom at this point.

the thought of being this way for the rest of my life petrifies me. i'm stricken with panic, will i be able to change? depression is such a thick blanket, so comfortable and warm and familiar...

tell me i will not be this selfish and uninspired forever.

always biting off more than i can chew.